Thursday, November 03, 2005

The secret true history of Amichai (an awfuly long post)

Imagine it's the summer of 1998, the first day of camp for the campers, exactly 1:06:42.7 PM Eastern Standard time, making it 5:06:42.7 PM Greenwich mean time. But that's irrelevant as who really cares what time it is in London?

In exactly 62 seconds I'm going to meet Eloise ___(real name with held so I don't feel like such an idiot).

Consequently, in 627,793 seconds I will fall in love with Eloise ___.

In approximately 1,585,534 seconds she'll break my heart, which I guess is all right because in 312 seconds she'll fix my glasses. Thus, karmically speaking, we'll have a total sum of zero, which - as I understand things - is the way to go.

But this all starts 62 seconds from now.

Approximately 136,960.87 seconds ago my glasses broke. I was playing frisbee, and due to a poorly lit night sky I took a disk to the face. Though my glasses were broken I didn't realize it until approximately 136,855.321 seconds ago that the left ear piece detached from the spectacles. This was confirmed when 136,846.7 seconds ago my glasses fell off my face and landed on the still wet though very unhealthy grass. Give or take a second and a half.

In 302 seconds she is going to fix my glasses using nothing but a pair of tweezers, some cloth, and wire she normally uses to make jewelry.

In 424 seconds I'm going to realize that she is also a staff member and not the older sister of a camper, as I will assume 120 seconds from now. This will immediately cause me to change my flirting strategy. In exactly 465 seconds I will stop being the lovable goofball who seems humorously addled by everything, to the goofball who knows everything about the camp; just in case she has any questions. As it will turn out she'll have no questions and will continue to ridicule me as she had before - but all in good fun. The fun sort of way you insult someone you immediately feel comfortable with. I can't quite explain it but in exactly 63.52146 seconds she'll say hi and call me a goofball thus changing my life forever. In 65 seconds, give or take a nano-second, she'll feel the connection too as I tease her back.

For the next 619,200 seconds we will be inseparable. Aside from our duties as staff members at the overnight camp we will spend every second of our spare time together. We don't have to say anything about it. She will seek me out just as much as I seek her. Being the naive 566,686,545 seconds old (give or take) that I'll be I'll figure we are just good friends, but an idea will be brewing in the back of my skull. In exactly 619,852 seconds I'll realize that she hasn't changed her dress in the past 259,200 seconds (approximately, I will not be around when she gets dressed so I could be off within 10,800 seconds). This is immediately after she realizes she forgot her shoes back at her bunk and instead of walking back barefoot to get them, she will tie two thin planks of wood to her feet (she works in the arts and crafts building and will have access to all sorts of neat stuff) to be used as shoes and will head out with me to the dining hall. It's at that second, as the final shoe is tied on, that I'll have an inkling that the feeling in the pit of my stomach is love and not indigestion as I previously assumed.

In 627,774 seconds we will be walking back from the dining hall to our bunks. In that moment I'll realize that no one else is around, a perfect time to breach the subject of some sort of romantic entanglement. In 627,782 seconds she'll take off her "shoes" saying her feet are chafing and the wooden planks weren't as good as an idea as she originally thought they'd be. In 627,793 seconds I'll offer to give her a piggy back ride to her bunk so she doesn't cut up her feet on the horribly rugged dirt road. In 627,793.6 seconds she will accept wholeheartedly. We will make our way down the dirt road, and I'll notice that even though she hasn't changed her dress in over 259,300.756 seconds (approximately) she still smells wonderful. Her scent is not like anything else and I couldn't describe it if I was given a million years and a million dollars; and even though it'll probably just be pheromones interacting with my brain chemistry, I'll know that I'd follow her to the end of the earth, if she just happened to be going in that direction.

In 627,825 seconds I'll open my mouth, not quite sure what I'm going to say but hoping whatever it is will turn us from friends into lovers (and in my mind I will actually use the phrase "lovers" but only because I'm an idiot).

77,329,553 seconds ago I sat in the library at this same camp (then as a camper), my girlfriend of the time resting in my lap. The lights dimmed as the entire age group (all 65 of us) stared ahead at the small flickering TV. We were watching Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. 77,329,520 seconds ago she took my hands, which were resting on her stomach, and moved them up to her breasts. No one noticed. The only one who seems surprised was Harrison Ford and he had other things on his mind at the time. 77,329,510 seconds ago I moved my hands back to her stomach not realizing the not so subtle hint she just gave me. 77,329,505 seconds ago she moved my hands back. 77,329,493 seconds ago I realized what was going on and I freaked out and 77,329,484 seconds ago I moved my hands back to her stomach out of cowardice.

In 12,042,723 seconds I'll be in my dorm room as I'm given my first blowjob. 433 seconds later she'll give up because, for a reason I'll never understand, I fail to maintain an erection.

In 22,107,600 seconds I'll be in my girlfriends apartment switching the TV off as I turn to engage in what I hope to be various sexual activities. In 22,107,689 seconds she'll stop me and ask that first I wash my hands and cut my nails before we go any further. Consequently I'll spend the next 634.45 seconds in her bathroom searching fruitlessly for her nail clippers.

In 627,826 seconds, before I get a chance to say anything to Eloise, she's going to ask if I like a fellow male staff member.

"Yeah I like him, why?" I'll ask.
"He has a crush on you and I wanted to know if you were interested, because I could set you guys up." But this is not when she will break my heart. That is still to happen 957,708 seconds from this conversation. This is just a precursor.

"I..." What, I'll think, could I possibly say to this?
"If you're interested."
"No. Thank you but no. He's a pal. I'm not.. I'm not... I don't... I'm not gay."
"OK. But if you were or were interested in it he does have a crush on you."
"Thanks. Thanks. I'm flattered, but I'm not interested in it. I mean, I like him, but not like that. I'm not gay."
"OK. I'm just letting you know you could hit that shit if you wanted to."
"When you put it like that how can I refuse?" And we'll both drop the subject right after my lame attempt at levity.

I will carry her back to her bunk wheezing by the end not because she's heavy but because I'm weak. I won't broach the subject I had intended when I picked her up. In fact I won't bring it up for the next 231,216,423 seconds, and still counting.

In 1,585,534 seconds I'll walk into Eloise's bunk only to find her fucking her new boyfriend. In 1,585,537 seconds I'll turn around and immediately walk out praying they didn't notice me. The reason I will walk into the bunk is because a mutual friend told me 345,427 seconds earlier that Eloise would be interested if I was interested. A fact I will have already figured out but will still wait those 345,427 seconds before I overcome the fear of actually broaching the subject. This, apparently, is 216,000 seconds too long. In 1,369,537 seconds she will have gotten sick of waiting for me.

But this all starts in 62 seconds.

In camp, sixty-two seconds is an eternity.


Nonny said...

That's it, I'm getting in my car and driving to Queens right now to give you a hug. Your post was heartbreakingly funny my quasi gay friend.

fancy as fuck said...

questions that need answers

1) was this fat camp?
2) why didnt you go for the gay and then write a touching glbt screen play?
3) are you really that disgusting that someone would make you clip your fingernails before sex?
4) why didnt you come over last night?

Lady K said...

CUTE! Although my job is mostly accounting, there's no WAY I could've counted up all those seconds and kept track of them. Whew! You deserve huge (((hugs)))!!!!

Amichai said...

Thanks for the hugs. And is it wrong that Fancy as Fuck is starting to scare me?

HitManJ said...

Nice story. Couldn't have counted it better myself. Though, I totally could beat you in a finger-nail clipping contest by at LEAST 10 or 15 nanoseconds!


Nonny said...

Buddy, I'm way ahead of ya!

Fridaysweb said...

I'm lovin' it. No, not Burger King, but your story. So cool. Makes me wish I'd gone to summer camp at some point in my life. The seconds are flabbergasting. I was about to pull up the trusty calculator on the screen, but decided I'd THEN have to convert the minutes into hours, after I'd converted seconds into minutes. I might have to use my toes for that.


Amichai said...

The seconds were a pain in the tuchus (as my mother would say). Most of the calculations were done with my trusty pen and a peice of paper (all my longer peices are done on paper first cause that's just how I write) and aren't as accurate as they should be (but are pretty darn close). Then I found this site and let the internet do the rest of the work.

rawbean said...

I think this is my favorite post of yours to date (and they are all good - so this one is REALLY good). I can picture this at the beginning of a movie and the main character (you) is reading this as the film moves forward at half the normal speed...mostly just showing the girl walking towards you to meet you for the first time.

Oh it makes me want to know more! Good job.

Lady K said...

Well, I did it. You're officially linked. AND, my latest post features you as my guinea pig and it worked! YES! I'm cheating my ass off with the HTML thing but really AM learning a thing or two.

Keep writing, you've got real talent.