Fan Fiction

For a second I was thinking about putting a post together called fan fiction (see above) but it would be Fan Fiction about fans (you know, the type you use in the summer to keep cool? What, you have air conditioning? Well aren't you a fancy bastard.) and what they do in the winter when they aren't being used. But I figured that would be far too cheesy, and I couldn't come up with a good ending for the the story. Also, it's a dumb idea.

Instead I give you two short shorts I wrote in college. I recently edited one down from 350-ish words to only 200 words. The other one stands as is. They aren't brilliant or anything, but right now they are my favorite things I've ever written, and the only pieces I've been consistently proud of since their inception. So I give you my short CORRESPONDENCE, and THE WOULD BE ANGEL

The fight ended when Pa came out to dance. The sheep were the first to join, with their bleating and lack of any rhythm. Then the cows partnered up. It seemed silly at first, them on two legs with their udders flapping for the world to see as they danced the jitterbug in their pens. The chickens, arguably the best dancers, even better than Pa, started to swing with the roosters on the loft in the barn over the hay.
The goats wouldn’t dance, beneath their dignity I guess.
The ducks danced ballet and their pirouettes were the finest I’d ever seen.
Just as the pigs brought out their breakdancing mats, Ma came out of the house and smacked Pa on the back of his head.
“Don’t you get the animals riled up again, remember what happened to your horses.” She said.
Pa lowered his head and walked back into the house, caressed lovingly by Ma. The animals stopped dancing, only the goats seemed satisfied.
The fight was all drained out of us as we remember what happened to the horses. Last we heard they were performing on Broadway but we aren’t sure cause they don’t send us postcards anymore.

And:

An Angel decided to see what it was like being a man so it grew a penis and went to Earth.

“Hey, look at that funny looking angel.” A little boy said to his sister.

“I’m not an angel, I’m a man, look at my penis.” The Angel retorted.

“No you aren’t.” The sister said. “Men don’t walk around naked.” So quickly the angel put on some pants.

“See, I’m a man.” The Angel said now dressed.

“No you aren’t. Men don’t have wings.” The brother said.

“Oh.” So the Angel took off it’s wings and placed them on the ground. Quickly the brother and sister each took a wing held hands and started to fly.

“Hey! Where are you going with my wings?” The Angel asked.

“Your wings? They can’t be your wings.” The airborne couple replied.

“Why not?” The Angel asked angrily.

“Because men don’t have wings.” The siblings said as they flew up to heaven.

“I guess not.” The man admitted as he watched the two children grow smaller in the distance.

the internet is a weird weird place

Basically I blame Reddit, and places like it.

A whole lot of strange

Please don't watch this at work, because I'd hate for you to get fired. No nudity, but pretty darn close.

Completely safe for work, though equally oddly mesmerizing.

And finally I give you the epitome of awesome:


I should be doing work.

little bits of minor awesome

Met the big boss at Tribeca, the one who isn't Bob. Her assistants were out and I was working out of their office today. She asked my name and when she found it was hebrew we spoke briefly about both our abilities to understand the language better than we speak. She tried saying "I can understand but I can't speak" in Hebrew, but as it is a gender specific language even though she got the words right generally speaking, she conjugated them completely incorrectly. I was too scared to correct her so I let it slide, and smiled at her attempt. But it was a good first impression over all I guess.

Also, I'm going to be getting an industry pass to the Tribeca Film Festival this year, which theoretically means I can get into any event or screening. I say in theory because I'm not really supposed to use it, and as such am still a bit unclear as to why I'm even getting one. Though I'm not complaining at all. It's my first real pass for myself. In the past all the industry passes I got were in someone else's name (ie. my various bosses) that'd I'd borrow when they wanted me to watch a film they couldn't make and write up a report for them about said film. It's gonna be neat having one with my name on it with a picture that says industry. Almost like I'm actually doing what I want for a living, though not quite.

Starting another gig at a smaller production office in the city near penn station. It's just one day a week, but hopefully it will open doors to a job somewhere else, and I need to remember to talk to people at tribeca to become a reader for them official like, and get paid for it, as was suggested to me by the vp of development there. It's not a lot of money, but every little bit helps. Was going to talk to them today but got busy and didn't get around to it. Either next week or after the festival when everything calms down a bit.

I think that's all the little bits of minor awesome I have going on right now. Nothing that special, or even really that awesome, but I have to take what I can get. Beggar's can't be choosers you know.

Don't Shoot the Messenger

today at work:

Boss Lady: Ami take this briefcase to 420 lexington, call this number, and give it to Dave, who will be waiting in his car.

In my head: that doesn't sound sketchy at all.
at 420 Lex I make the call

Dave: I'm not there, I'm in a black escalade at the corner of 50th and 3rd. Bring the briefcase to me there.

At the corner of 50th and 3rd there is a black escalade with all it's windows tinted completely black and a very obese man (Dave) who looks like he stepped out of an episode of the Sopranos.

Me: Are you Dave?

Dave: Yep, that's for me?

And I hand him the briefcase. A hand reaches from the back and quickly takes the case from Dave. I didn't even know there was anybody in there.

Dave (jokingly): Do I need to sign anything?

Me: Uh.....

In my head: What the hell did I just do? This was legal, right? I can't go to jail. I'm too pretty to be locked up.

My angry thoughts on stupid stuff

I'm a reader. It's just something I like doing, be it in comic books, magazines, novels, non-fiction, newspapers, or online, I just like reading.

Forever I've been reading online, on gaming sites (because I also like video games) all these people complaining about DRM, and other ways gaming companies "screw" with the players to prevent piracy. Now I don't play games (I refuse to use the word "game" as a verb) on my computer (if I did I'd really never get any work done, best I don't have any computer games, and spend any time gaming on a consul) but all the complaining needs to stop.

You want all these precautionary measures to stop, it's simple, stop stealing the fucking game. Piracy may seem like small potatoes to you, but it's fucking stealing, and there is no way one could morally claim the high ground if you are fucking stealing a product. Now, whether you like it or not, video game companies make their money making and selling video games. I don't care what sort of rational you use, but downloading and playing a game that you didn't pay for, and never intend to pay for, is stealing, and stealing is wrong.

I don't care if you think the prices are too high, or the game is flawed, or that it has DRM or other anti-piracy measures, it's still fucking stealing. If you really wanted to make a statement about the game, don't fucking buy it. If you truly are morally against a gaming company treating their customers like potential thieves, then Don't. Buy. The. Game. It's really that simple. By stealing the game all you do is prove them right, and then the escalation starts.

The gaming company owes you nothing. Just like any other product out there, they are trying to make money. If I don't like Starbucks, or Mcdonalds, or Dunkin' Donuts, I don't steal their food/coffee/snacks, and then complain how much they suck. The reason I don't do this, it's fucking stupid, and STEALING IS WRONG. If you don't like a product don't buy it. Rebellion is starting a boycott. Rebellion is buying the competitor's games. Stealing is just you being a self-righteous prick who wants something for nothing, and then wants to complain about it.

If you pay for a game and the anti-piracy measures actually fucks up the actual game play, you can always ask for your money back. I don't know how customer friendly the gaming companies are to users who actually purchased the game, but if there are customer service issues you just learned a very valuable lesson and shouldn't do business (stealing counts as business) with said gaming company in the future.

And the best way to avoid that whole senario is to read up on the games. There are a million billion websites out there devoted to video games. Doing just a teensy bit of research can save you money as to which games to buy, and time. Any other argument that claims stealing is the answer is fucking retarded.*

PC Gamers, I'm sick of it, grow the fuck up.






*OK, so there is the privacy argument, which basically is arguing that the gaming companies force you to trade some of your privacy rights for their security, and this is actually a good argument. Not as an advocacy for stealing or pirating the game, but rather, why some measures should be changed to protect the customer's privacy, and until they do, a boycott is in order.

Oh happy day

Good news everybody.

First Charlie is moving back to the grand ol' USA, and only about two hours away from me, which makes the news even greater. She is by far my favorite favorite friend with whom I barely speak. I'm just really bad about keeping up my correspondences.

The second cool thing, I'm updating this blog via my new iPod touch. I wanted to move to the city with a friend but can't really afford to right now, so to console myself I purchased this handy gizmo. Yes, I know such purchases will keep me in queens even longer, but shut up about it- why can't you let me have anything cool? Jerks.

I don't think I'll ever post using this again because now my thumbs kinda hurt and it took way too long. I don't know how kids text all day long. It would drive me nuts.

Signs of the apocalypse

Sign one: I got a cell phone about a month and a half ago.

Sign two: I joined facebook three days ago.

Sign three: I have a personal trainer for four sessions at the gym I just joined (not one of the signs, I can exercise with out the world coming to an end) and we were supposed to meet today for the second session, but he texted me to cancel till tomorrow. Instead of calling him, so help me, because I didn't really want to talk to him, I texted him back moving the session to monday, since I'm busy all day tomorrow and sunday.

Three things a year a go I thought I'd never do. Things I kinda regret having done (not the gym thing though, I've been meaning to do that for ever).

The four horsemen must not be so far behind.

also, unrelated, I still owe robin a mix cd and the bracelet I bought her in Hong Kong. I sent the CD once and apparently to the wrong address because it came back to me. I was going to do it again, but then didn't. So if Robin (who has since quit blogging) still reads this, I know I owe you these things, they'll come eventually.

Interested in a life of crime?

I hope not because crime doesn't pay.

Unfortunately, neither does being a comic book writer who can't draw.

I know that nobody really reads this blog anymore, and I barely even update it, but on the off chance that there is someone who reads and knows other people, or someone just stumbles upon this using the Next Blog button on the top of the page, here is a ad I posted on a few webistes searching for an artist. If you are an artist, or know an artist, feel free to drop me a line, or pass this ad (and website) along.


I can't draw to save my life. Literally, if I a gun was put to my head and I was told to draw a straight line I'd have a bullet in the brain before I finished. This would be a shame, for I have a pretty, pretty brain, with pretty, pretty ideas, and a bullet would take that pretty brain, and those pretty ideas, and turn them to mush.

I would like to share my brain, and my ideas, especially those comic book related, but as I said I can't draw. That's where you come in.

If you are an artist who can save multiple lives with your straight lines (also crooked lines, really all your lines, whatever shape they might be in) but would like a bit more direction then I suggest we should, in comic book lingo, have a Team Up.

I have stories in multiple genre's and would also be interested in developing new original ideas.

I would like to come up with something presentable to publishers. This is a no-pay gig, unfortunately, at least not until publication. I know that sucks, and it sucks not being able to pay, but this is something temporary issue which will be offset in the long run. Ownership of the property (whatever we produce) would be split down the middle, and all that entails.

I'm friendly, personable, and am not a zombie, werewolf, vampire, or other creature of the night. If all this seems amenable to you, please contact me and we can see if a collaboration is possible.

if you could see through my eyes

I'm color blind. It's no big deal really. Or rather it shouldn't be, yet whenever someone finds out that I'm color blind they go on a rampage of asking what everything looks like.
"what color is this?"
"what color is that?"
and so forth.

For the record it's not really that tactful to ask someone who's color blind about colors her or she can't see. Sure you might find it fascinating, but at best you're mildly annoying the person you're asking (because everyone asks the same damn questions), at worst you're making them feel very out of place and/or humiliating them for their disability. Most likely the former and not the latter, as I've yet to really meet any fellow color blind person who was overly sensitive about said disability. The point being, it's annoying as hell so cut it out.

That said, if you really are curious there is a neat website that lets you see the world as if you were color blind. So go here to see the world in a different light and stop bugging me.

That is all.

Nothing is nothing

So I was getting a little uncomfortable keeping that video at the top of my blog for so long, thus I'm entering a new entry just to knock it away from being the first thing anyone might see.

If you are looking for something interesting to read, feel free to check out a short story I wrote here. Or don't.

And if you are in the mood for something I thought was really clever and had absolutely nothing to do with, check it out

because this is too funny not to post (NSFW)

I can imagine a very lonely man sitting at home, trying to figure out how to combine his two favorite things. If they figure out how to connect one of these to a PS3, Xbox 360, or heaven help us, a Nintendo Wii, the population of this country will decrease by at least half in by the next generation. But is that really a bad thing?

Israel

I think that the attack on Gaza right now is horrible. I think the entire situation in the region is fucked beyond belief. Because though I think this is a disproportionate response to Hamas, and the Palestinian people in Gaza, I can't think of a proportionate response, or what that even means in context. As of the end of November 1212 rockets and 1290 mortar bombs were fired into Southern Israel. In an article I read on Sunday in the new york times (which I don't have access to online to reference) 300 rockets were fired into Israel last week alone right after the cease fire ended.

What Israel is doing I think is wrong, but there doesn't seem to be a right thing to do. What is the proportional response to almost 3000 rockets/mortar bombs, fired into one's country over the course of a year? Because what they were doing before didn't seem to be working to get it to stop.

And how does one negotiate with an organization that calls for one's destruction?

None of this is an excuse for Israel, just honest issues that as a Jew, a supporter of Israel, and of Peace, that I struggle with every day.

too much

I was going to post about my best friends wedding and work my way backwards to my trip to hong kong, and I will, but probably next week.

I just learned that another good friend's, someone else who was a groomsman at the wedding, mother passed away yesterday. It was expected as she was diagnosed with terminal cancer, but it's still very sad. She is survived by her husband, and three grown children.

The funeral is on Thursday from what I've heard and I will be attending. I'm hoping this is the last funeral I'll be attending in a while. Though my great aunt was recently rushed to the hospital with pneumonia. Last I heard she was doing better, but right now I'm trying not to take anything for granted.

There has been a lot of happiness in my life recently, but it's constantly being tempered with bad news like this. My thoughts and well wishes go out to my friend, and his family.

No title

I was going to start posting about my trip to Hong Kong, which was pretty amazing, but I can't get my camera to connect to my computer, thus I can't post any pictures. Once I manage to figure out the problem, I shall post all about my trip, pictures and all (even if you aren't interested in seeing them).

But as of right now I've lost a interest in all this. A friend of mine, a few weeks shy of 22, passed away in his sleep last night. His mom walked in and thought he was still asleep, but when she tried to wake him, she realized he had passed on. We don't know the cause of death, though heart disease does run in his family. He was a really great person, a bit loud, and sometimes annoying, but had a great big heart, and was one of the funniest guys I've known. He had a problem with drugs and alcohol in the past, but had cleaned up his act and putting his life back together. He was sober for at least 6 months prior to today, and we were all very proud of him. He was finishing up a degree at Queens college and wanted to go to law school after he graduated, and some day run for office. He was a big goofy oaf of a man, and he wanted to do good in the world.

I just saw him yesterday, we worked together at Starbucks. He seemed fine, healthy, and at the top of his game. For lack of a better way of saying this, but it's just sad. I can't get used to writing all this in the past tense. It's all too depressing.

I have a wedding to go to this weekend, I'm the best man. I'm all very hectic emotionally right now, and need time to settle (He would have made fun of me for being all girly with emotions).

So I might not post for a while. Not that I post regularly anyway, but right now it just isn't on my mind.

Take care.

Around the world and back again

So, I'm far too busy lazy to blog in a regular fashion, which is why it comes out in dribs and drabs.

Obama won as we all know. I voted for him and it was the first time I voted for a winning Presidential candidate. My previous two Presidential voting experiences my candidate lost. I thought maybe my vote was the kiss of death and I contemplated voting for McCain giving him the kiss of death I gave to Gore and Kerry so he would lose. Luckily I didn't have to, as my vote clearly isn't a death knell. Obama won and we are all happy about it. Since everyone and their grandma has already commented on the historic importance of this election I don't think I need to write on it. Suffice to say it's about time we've had our first Hawaiin president. Did you know aside from being the first president from Hawaii, Obama is also the first president who is an undergraduate alum of Columbia University? Two historic firsts in one man, how amazing is that?

Moving on, to even further in the past.

Nashville was fun, and drunk. Very very drunk. I can't remember the last time I drank so much in one weekend (possibly because I was very drunk at the time). One the down side we only went to one authentic honkey tonk country western bar and I would have preferred more, if only to get a more authentic experience that I can't get up in New York. Perhaps being from Atlanta the majority of the folks wanted bars that weren't country or southern-y. It was the only bar we went to with live music and it kicked ass in my humble opinion. I have never loved country music more in my life and probably never will - as I don't care for it that much to begin with - but that evening listening to it live I was enthralled and getting my country on (as the kids say).

I was hoping we would do something interesting in Nashville during the day on saturday, but the day was spent indoors in our hotel drinking bloody mary's watching college football. But c'est la vie. I had fun, but it wasn't my bachelor party and Jason had a blast and that's all that matters.

One highlight, extremely drunk on Friday night, some friends were hungry, and nothing was open save a taco bell drive through. We waited on line sans and automobile, but wouldn't get served since apparently it's unsafe for them to serve people outside of a car. I don't exactly understand how this can be, but no car, no food. Thus my friends hopped in the back of a taxi, already occupied and waiting on line for food, to order. They freaked the girl out in the front seat, but the taxi drive was cool and said it happens all the time. All the time? Really? My buddies paid for all the food, but the girl was freaked out still, and complained that they got the wrong things.

On a side note, apparently all strip clubs in Nashville are byob. It was my first strip club experience and I can tell you I wasn't that impressed. It was a very nice strip club, and though I like breasts as much (or even more) than next guy, to me there is something very unsexy about a woman dancing naked for strangers for money. It just doesn't get me going. I didn't get a lap dance as I know that I'd want to apologize to the stripper the entire time. I don't know what I'd be apologizing for, something along the lines of "I'm sorry we couldn't meet under better circumstances." Or "I'm sorry you are forced to do this to make a living." Or something equally stupid and condescending, as they probably like their job more than I like mine, and make more money than me to boot. I skipped out early with two other guys who didn't care for the club that much either. I don't feel like I missed out on anything as from what I gathered one stripper kept talking about her dog who just had elbow surgery, and kept asking my friend the vetrenarian what she should do (and consequently every one she gave a lap dance to afterwards). Another guy there I heard wound up giving a lecture while getting a lap dance on the importance of keeping good credit, and how to build good credit after having a bad credit rating.

Over all, a very good time, but not what I'd want to do on my bachelor party (if I'm ever to have one).

To the future.

Next Monday around noon I shall be on a plane making my way to Hong Kong. I have an HSBC bank account so I'll actually be able to use my bank card in Hong Kong and not get fined for it (even though it's a British Bank HSBC stands for Hong Kong, Shanghai Banking Corporation). So that's pretty cool. On top of that I'm going to get a prepaid credit card from AAA for travel, so if it get's lost or I get robbed I won't have to worry about anyone getting to my personal finances (I'm not going to be taking my bank card with me everywhere, I'll be leaving it securely with my passport the majority of the time). I still have to buy a camera, a long ass book to read - my flight leaves around noon on Monday and doesn't get to Hong Kong due to crossing the international date line, and a three hour layover in Seoul, until Tuesday at ten-fifty pm.

My pal who lives there said she already planned a lot of fun stuff for us to do, while I got some good advice from another friend of mine who grew up in Hong Kong (albeit the British part - as she is third generation white Hong Kong) of stuff to do and see. I'm going to buy a guide book and look up stuff on my own because I'll have a good deal of time on my own and I want to see as much as I can. It's going to wicked expensive since most of Hong Kong from what I understand is mostly shopping. Maybe I'll get a suit some pants or shirts tailor made for me. Probably not, but who knows.

I think that's it for now. I just got the new Firewater and Fleet Foxes albums. The Firewater album is awesome, and though I wasn't the biggest fan the the Fleet Foxes album it has been growing on me.

The end, probably until I come back from the far east. Have a delicious Thanksgiving for those of you who might celebrate the turkeyiest of holidays. And for those of you who don't well, you should. It's a delicious holiday, even if it's as fictitious as Christmas.

the inconvinence of truth

I've been absent, here's what you missed:

It's official. I'm going to vacation in Hong Kong in November. I've been on the fence for a bit, but expense be damned. I haven't really traveled and taken more than two days of vacation in over a gazillion years (literally). It's only going to be for a week, but if all goes well it will be a very good week. I shall be staying with a friend who is currently semestering over there, which will cut down on my expenses tremendously. I am quite pleased.

I've never seen a traditional Korean wedding ceremony and I guess I never will. My buddy Koo got married two weeks ago and because mapquest should really be called "the most ass backwards way of getting from point a to point b dot com" we (Natasia and I) got there late and missed the wedding. We arrived just in time for the reception. The food was pretty good (from what I had of it - lots of meat, lots of Korean stuff I was too scared to eat because I didn't know what was in it and I'm a coward) and we were sat with the only other white couple there. On the down side the best man gave the worst toast I have ever heard in my entire life. Things one should never say during a best man toast: "Ladies, I'm single and looking for a sugar mama." followed by "Also I am completely broke so anyone qualifies." A best man toast is not the time to practice your AA material. Don't talk about the hard life you've been having. How you had no one to talk too, how you felt estranged from your best friend, but thanks to Jesus everything is OK now. And most of all, it's a toast. It should be no more than five minutes not nearly a half an hour. I wish I had a time machine so I could talk to this best man and set him straight.

Lots of other travel is coming up, I am going to Nashville Tennessee this weekend for a bachelor party. I will write more on that after the fact.

Last little thought of the day. Who are the idiots out there who are still undecided? The two candidates have been running for over a year now. If you don't know which one you like better that means you haven't read a newspaper, watched a single bit of television, listened to the radio, checked your e-mail, or surfed any part of the internet for over a year. Or, you are incredibly stupid (and probably ugly to boot). Either way, if either one of those two things are true you don't deserve the right to vote. I don't care which candidate you've decided on (well I do care, but that is an all together different rant), but if you claim you don't know the candidates well enough yet, you haven't been fucking paying attention and I hate you. And for all of you undecided who can't make up your mind because even though you think Obama would be better you aren't sure if you can vote for a black man, You are what's wrong with this country and I hate you even more. If you really loved America like you say you do you'd kill yourself for the betterment of the rest of us.

That is all for now.

TTFN

I love sarah silverman

This is hilarious, especially if you are jewish. Watch it!


The Great Schlep from The Great Schlep on Vimeo.

The End is Nigh

Recently all of my dreams seem to have something to do with an apocalypse of some sort. Either a world wide end, or a more personal apocalypse which only affects my family and friends.

Not a pleasant way to spend what should be more restful sleep. I don't usually remember my dreams, but the ones as of late have been quite vivid.

I don't know. It's just putting me off and keeping me on edge during my waking hours. Everything just feels different.

Another vid

So really I have nothing much to say today, but I found this video and it made me laugh so I figured I'd share. Hooray internets.

Two things

The first is that the world did not end today. So hooray world! That's one for science and nothing for irrational fears of science and human development. That brings the total score to... well science is still far behind as there are still people who believe that the world is flat. But Science is definitely catching up. So hooray for science as well.


The second things is why is it that a celebrity seems to be able to speak more succinctly as to the problem with Sarah Palin as the vice-presidential nominee than anyone else I've heard so far?