Monday, April 23, 2007

like a pretzel twisting itself into more knots

I got sun bunred yesterday. All along my arms. It really sucks. It made sleeping difficult becuase everytime I'd move and and anything would rub up against them it'd hurt.

But that's really not the big deal. I've kinda, sorta, a little bit, been lying to my folks about J_. And by kinda, Sorta, A little bit, I mean I have most definately been lying to my parents. I've been living at home for far too long (can't seem to get a job - which is a whole other rant) and am forced to tell my folks of my comings and goings. Not so much because they are really strict or anything, just that in the course of a conversation they'd ask, "where are you going?" But only if I was going somewhere.

I haven't told them about J_ because I didn't want the tsuris (the headache) of explaining to my parents (one a rabbi, the other a jewish educator) that I was dating a non-Jew (J_ is chinese, and mildly a buddist). They are pretty much on my case about, well the rest of my life, and this was just one more thing I didn't want to have to deal with. The plan, at least in my head, was that I'd tell them if it got serious enough beteen me and J_ (which it kinda has) and once I did get a Real Job. That way, there would be less to nag me about, and I'd be able to move out of the house. It was going to be on my terms, in my somewhat passive aggressive sort of way. Sure it wasn't the best plan, but it was a plan that made me feel better about lying to my parents (which I've been feeling guilty of for almost as long as I've been lying).

I'm up in Syracuse right now where I stayed with J_ for the weekend. My mom called. Amtrak called my house - because I gave them my home number when I reserved my ticket back - and told them that my train from Syracuse was going to be an hour and a half late. So my mom calls me and says, "You lied to us." Which is possibly the worst way to wake up ever. I told them I was going to see freinds in Boston this weekend. Then she gave me the train info and the number who to call. She was very pleasant over the phone, didn't even sound angry, which to be honest, makes me feel even worse.

So that cat is mostly out of the bag. And not only do I feel like a heel for lying for so long (I mean i felt like a heel while I lied, it's just worse that my lie was forced into the open instead of me taking charge and doing it myself) - well, I don't have a second thing. Now my life is going to get both easier and harder.

The worst part is, and it's something I deserve, and something that mekes me feel like I'm in high school all over again, they won't be able to trust me when I tell them anything in regards to my comings and goings, which is in turn going to make living at home hard for all of us.

Guilt and anxiety suck.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Apathy is the best part of me (but only 'cause it rhymes)

Because nothing on the internet (or interwub as Jeffrey Rowling likes to say) is really new, I can't imagine anyone finding this through me, but just in case.

Go here, watch, laugh, cry.

Or don't. Whatever, it's up to you.

Saturday, April 14, 2007

On the state of my thoughts

There was a job I wanted. I didn't get it. It kinda sucks. This is a pretty boring entry, but I still don't know what I really want this blog to be about. It may just turn back into what it was before, but I almost feel like that would be counter productive. Either way, I'm thinking about turning comments off, because as it stands I only have one reader left after my haitus (Hi Rawbean).

So if I'm doing this for me (and why would I be doing this for me on the internet? if it's just for me shouldn't it be completely private?) why do I need comments in the first place?

Decent questions, perhaps I'll come up with some answers.

Probably not though.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

giving this a shot

I've been absent. I realized the that I didn't have much to say, and I don't know if I really want to continue blogging at all, though I figure I'll give this a bit of a go; but I think changes are in store.

I just don't know what they are yet.