Wednesday, November 30, 2005

I'm a perv

Just finished my third day at Starbucks. The register seems more complicated than it needs to be - but that's neither here nor there.

Turns out the cute girl at work is only 17. For three days I thought she was at least 20. I have too many dirty thoughts running through my head for her to only be 17. If you need me I'll be taking a very long cold shower trying hard not to be the weird 25 year old leering at high school girls. I don't want that to be me. That guy is just creepy.

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

When I'm too lazy to write something clever I link to those that do

Things you should be reading online but probably aren't (or maybe you are, what do I know?).

Jeremy's blog. It's new, it's fresh, it's funny.

Noodles Esquire even if she doesn't update often, her posts are very much how Jeremy describes his blog (clever ploy to have you check both blogs at once).

Cat and Girl updated tuesdays and fridays. I wish I was as smart and clever as Dorothy. Maybe just because I'm a dork, but I find myself laughing with every update. I mean come on, Devo hard hats? That's just funny.

McSweeney's because we can all use a nice literary laugh.

What the fuck dot com because even if it is just a free site for computer dorks and generic "free thinkers" it still has a funny name.

Kevin Banks even though he screwed me over and bailed on our comic book venture, he's still a good artist and I like his work. If you are in an artistic mood, you should check it out.

And finally: Nickelodeon for the child in all of us, and maybe for the child we keep locked down in the basement.

Other than that, if you haven't read A Game Of You, by Neil Gaiman, you should got out and read it immediately. It is quite possibly one of the greatest stories ever put to paper.

Carry on then.....

Sunday, November 27, 2005

Friends and other nonsense

Everyone needs a back up plan. I don't plan on being rich and famous (though it wouldn't hurt) but I do plan on mooching off all of my friends. Not really all of my friends, because many, like me, can't afford to have anyone mooch off of them. For instance, I'll never really be able to hop on my dear friend Jason's bandwagon because he's a do gooder. By which of course I mean a person who will probably work for non-profit and other governmental positions trying to make the world a better place (that jerk) and that really doesn't pay much.

My friend Michael on the other hand... He of Cambridge currently editing his first feature length film (which he financed himself and unless it sells, coupled with his student loans will cause him to be in debt forever) hopefully will one day be a famous film maker whom I shall be able to mooch off of. I'd link you to something of Mike's but alas his only online connection is an e-mail address, and I shan't be giving that out.

Two other friends of note whose bandwagon I shall hop on immediately if given the chance.

The first is my freind Gretchen Akers. Gretchen is a bit of a stretch as we aren't very close. The summer after her graduation from college she broke up with her boyfriend (with whom she was living) and moved -albeit temporarily- into the living room of my spacious four bedroom apartment. She was friends with two of my three roommates, and after spending a glorious Saturday with Gretchen (the first Saturday of our acquaintance - a long story involving all my roommates leaving town for the weekend, an awkward attempt to bond through the streets of Somerville, and more little debbie zebra cakes than you can shake a stick at) we became friends. She then moved off to California to make her mark in the movies (she starred in both Michael's thesis film and the feature length he's currently editing). For those interested in her progression you can check out her IMDB page. Yeah she's a cutie and talented and I expect her to go far. Thus when she does, I'll be there hanging on her coat tails.

Finally, there is my old roommate Jeremy. He is finishing up his graduate degree at BU. I believe his focus is theater and playwriting. He is quite possibly the greatest writer I have yet to meet in person, and would not be surprised if those of you into theater hear his name within the next few years. For those of you interested in getting in on the ground floor you can check out his blog. When you check it out (and you all should everyday, regardless whether he's posted or not) you will realize not only his literary prowess but his fabulous sense of humor. And once again, when his name goes up in lights I'll be there, hanging on, mooching off his success.

Then again, if I get rich and famous first I'll be the first one to send the elevator back down - yet only after I've cut the tether preventing them from following me back up. I mean really, why should I have to deal with people mooching off my success?

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Not exactly an update

Still am waiting to hear from both WGBH and Starbucks and that's a pain, just because I'm eager to work. I didn't expect to hear from them yet (in fact I know I won't hear from WBGH until next week) it's just that the waiting sucks.

Putting all that aside, my brother Roni has a friend who is interning at the Tribeca film center. Apparently last night Roni went out to dinner with his girlfreind (Rebecca) and the intern freind (I'll call her E). Rebecca - a sweetie - mentioned my name to E saying I was looking for work in the media arts (film, tv, radio). E mentioned that she might (and might is the operative word) be able to hook me up with an intership at tribeca. I'd prefer a real job with a salary and health benifits, but an internship at a reputable film institute (something I should probably have done in college) is at least a step in the right direction. I spoke to E today on the phone, and she seems like a very nice person. Much nicer than I would probably be in her situation (I'm not a very nice guy). She told me about what she does, and then said if I was intersted I can send her my resume and she'll hand it personally to her boss (the person in charge of the interns) and put in a good word for me.

I'm not expecting big things, as I have had freinds at other companies who tried to help but their influence wasn't as great as they thought it would be, but it was very gracious for her to make this offer (an offer I am going to take her up on). So we'll see what happens, the worst is they'll say no and I'll continue doing what I'm doing, and the best is they'll say yes and I'll have a leg up. Either way E is a very sweet girl who interviewed for a real job at Tribeca, and regardless as to whether I get an intership or not, I hope she gets the job.

Also, if I do get the position, it'll only confirm the fact which I already know to be true, I just don't like it: It's not what you know, but who you know that counts.

Fond Memories of Narnia

Once again I was going to attempt to write about my father's honarary degree but am distracted by Ms. Noodles newest post (and for those of you who don't read her blog you should. In fact you should go and read all her archived posts because I think she's that good).

Anyway, for those of you too lazy to use the link I provided to said post, or if you like reading the full texts of posts before you read what they allude too, Noodles briefly discusses the C.S. Lewis classic The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe and the upcoming movie adaptation.

I know, it's a parable, Aslan is Jesus, I get it. Not being Christian, and raised in a Jewish home I didn't pick up on any of that the first time I read it. I just thought it was a decent book but didn't really wow me either way.

At age 15 my family moved to Israel for my father's sixth month sabbatical. We lived in Jerusalem in 38 Tchernekofsky Street apartment #2, near the 32 bus line on its way out to Giloh. From the very small back porch on this second floor apartment I had one of the best vistas of the hills of Jerusalem I have ever seen in my entire life. Every night the sun would set over the hills and cast the city ablaze. The song Yerushaliam shel Zahav (Translation=Jerusalem of Gold - Phish covers the song as a bonus track on the album Hoist) took on a very literal aesthetic as I watched through the sliding glass doors. I spent those sixth months studying in an Israeli public high located between the shook (the open air market, where people in stalls and pushcarts sell and haggle for everything from fresh dates and produce to fresh meats - killed in the market itself - to toys and gadgets, to warm baked goods) and the central bus station. Everyday for lunch a few friends and I would walk past the guards at the gate, down the street and purchase fresh baked rolls and some sort of pastry (everyday something different) and a carton of Yotvatah chocolate milk. We'd walk back to school and eat outside because it being the Middle East, it was always warm out. The down side, I had school six days a week, from Sunday-Friday. I've appreciated the calm of a five day work (in comparison) ever since.

Getting back to the apartment, for about three months - and I don't even remember the reason why - I would sit with my brother Asaf (my junior by seven years - the youngest of us four Greene boys) on the back porch and read in order, the entire Lion, Witch and Wardrobe series. From the very first book to the very last one. I don't really remember the stories that well, but I remember sitting on the porch with my brother reading them. I remember getting a blanket and sitting outside wrapped up with him when it got cold at night (as it did during the first few months). I remember watching the sun set casting the city ablaze as Narnia would be in stewing in our imaginations. I remember coming inside after a chapter or two because my voice was tired and promise to pick up again the next day, or at the very least, by the weekend. He was able to read the books himself (all of us were big readers at a very young age) but for some reason it was something we did together.

For that reason I am a bit hesitant to see the movie. I don't really remember the stories that well, but I know I would rather my association with the books be of my brother on our back porch, and not some lavish Hollywood production.

Monday, November 21, 2005

I killed Shrodingers cat

What I did today:

sent out some resume's.

Was asked to write for a start up print magazine On the Rise whose first issue will be out some time in January. There is no pay up front, but the possibility of pay down the line. Normally I don't like writing for other people for free, but right now beggars can't be choosers. Once again, padding for a resume.

Had an impromptu phone interview with a rep from WGBH in Boston for the postion of Production Secretary. Didn't do the best I could do because I wasn't expecting the call and kinda fumbled my way through some of the answers - I had no time to prepare. Who interviews well sans preperation? Not me, that's for certain. I will find out after thanksgiving if they want to see me in person or not.

Scheduled an interview at the local Starbucks for tomorrow morning because I desperately need an influx of cash.

Moved a bunch of boxes full of random crap from the basement to the garage because the contractor is coming next Monday to begin the (hopefully not to lengthy) process of installing a bathroom in the basement.

Watched the Food Network Thanksgiving Holiday Special we taped (DVRed) last night. Got hungry for thanksgiving then remembered I don't eat Turkey and my hunger subsided (well after a fruit rollup and some fig newtons anyway). I am going to stick to my guns; Alton Brown is by far the best Food Network celebrity chef. Emeril Lagasse, Rachel Ray and the rest don't hold a candle up to this guy. He is the funniest, most personable, and most engaging of the bunch.

All right, carry on then...

Sunday, November 20, 2005

I hope that I'll get old before I die

I was going to write about this past Thursday and how my father was awarded an honorary Doctorate in Divinity from the Jewish Theological Seminary, and I probably will within the next few days, but before that I feel compelled to write about a member of my father's congregation.

Jesse (last name with held for anonymity - also I have absolutely no idea what his last name actually is) has been a member of the Marathon Jewish Community Center (for some reason they don't use the word synagogue or temple in Queens, everything is a "community center") for quite some time. As an active member he enjoys celebrating his birthday after services on the Saturday closest to his actual day of birth by sponsoring a lunch or some sort at the "temple." This past Saturday we celebrated his one hundred and first birthday. Let me repeat that. HE'S ONE HUNDRED AND ONE YEARS OLD. He was born November 24, 1904.

Please shake from your minds the idea that he is some old bed ridden feeble asthmatic forgetful old man. He is as spry as a man in his eighties. He walks everywhere. Everywhere. He walks to the supermarket, to the drug store, to temple. He probably isn't allowed to drive anymore but still, it's a hell of a lot of walking. He even walks in the annual Israeli day Parade in Manhattan every year. At age 101 he has only just recently started to use a walker because he had some sort of accident about a month ago. In fact I'm starting to suspect he is actually Colonel Steve Austin and not the nice Jewish old man he who sits six rows up from the bimah every Saturday morning.

Forsaking the amount of money (six million dollars) put in to his body (we have the technology...) I find it helpful, to really put in all in perspective, to discuss what this man has witnessed throughout the course of his life. Just some of the major plot points (not necessarily in linear order).

-World War one, 1914-1918
-The great depression, 1929
-The invention of Marshmallow fluff, 1917
-The mass production of the and eventual commonplace of the Automobile
-Charles Lindbergh's first nonstop transatlantic flight aboard the Spirit of St. Louis, 1927
-The invention of the Oreo Cookie, 1912 (which actually came second to the now defunct Hydrox cooki,e 1908 - personal aside: I miss Hydrox and always liked them better than Oreos)
-17 Presidents of the United States (From Teddy Roosevelt to Bush the second, Presidents in between of note: all of them)
-World War Two, 1939-1945
-The creation of the state of Israel (big deal for the Jews), 1948
-The growth of America from 48 states to the whopping 50 we are today: Hawaii + Alaska, 1959
-The first man in space, 1961
-A man walking on the Moon, 1969
-The creation and dissolution of the Bull Moose political party, 1912-1916
-Fourteen near presidential assassinations (Teddy Roosevelt, FDR, Truman, Nixon, Ford - twice, Carter, Reagan, Bush, Clinton - three times, and Bush two - twice so far); 1912, 1933, 1950, 1974, 1975 twice, 1979, 1981, 1993, 1994- twice, 1995, 2004, 2005; and one actual assassination (JFK) 1963
-The film "The Adventures of Buckaroo Bonzai across the 8th dimension" 1984
-Korean War, 1950-1953
-Vietnam War 1965-1973
-Gulf War 1991
-Iraq War 2004 - ?
-Bud Bowl one through seventeen 1988- present
-The Red Sox winning the World Series in 1918 then again in 2004
-The civil rights movement
-Gay marriage legalization (at least in one state) 2003
-The rise of radio and then consequently the demise of radio followed by the rise of Television
-And though there are many more, in my mind the most important: The invention of Tang (The Greatest thing to come of the NASA!) 1957

He is literally four times older than I am. He has children, grandchildren and great grandchildren (and if he keeps this up he'll be alive with great-great grandchildren) During his 99th birthday celebration he turned to the congregation and said, "I'm thankful for the past ninety-nine years I've had and for the one year I have left." I don't know whether he expected to die at age 100, or just meant he was excited to reach a full century. Either way he has outlasted his own expectations as he's 101 and still kicking strong. The way things are going I almost expect him to outlive me; petrified of death as I am, for some reason, I'm OK with that.

(all information only half ass researched using the internet, mostly wikipedia, where you all can go to verify the facts)

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

An ever growing portfolio

It's odd, every so often finding myself with nothing to write about. I don't know how people manage to post everyday and continue to be interesting. I'm trying to get back into prose writing, as the past year was mostly spent on screenplays and comic book scripts (had an artist, lost the artist, now still looking for an artist). I've decided to try and send my stuff out (once it's all good and polished and such) to some magazines and wait for the rejection letters to role in. Straight prose fiction has never really been my thing but I'm going to give it a shot.

And in the efforts to build my writing portfolio you can all go to The Noyse and check out my Newest Editoral.

Also, what does <3 mean? I've seen it on a few teen blogs and have yet to figure it out.

Monday, November 14, 2005

It's late and I'm cranky

Retail. I quit retail to get a real job that I'd like. Bah, apparently the jobs that I like don't like me. It's incredibly demoralizing to be honest. Everyday I have to keep a chipper attitude, thinking positive, and every day I go to sleep disapointed. I don't want to be stuck doing something I hate for the rest of my life and I don't want to work my way up into middle managment at some corporation that sells overpriced crap to idiots, and I fear if I go back to retail that's exactly what's going to happen to me.

The hardest part is keeping a positive facade. I know, I know, I never seem positive or cheery on this blog, but that's because it's my blog. In real life when ever anyone asks I have to pretend it's going well, keep up appearences. After a while it really hits home - gets me in the gut that I'm broke, in debt, without health insurance and about to go back to doing one of the things I hate most in the world. I know I shouldn't complain because there are tons of people out there worse off than I am, who don't have the same support system I have in place family , freinds, et cetera. Realizing I'm better off than many doesn't really take the sting away, rather increases it as to how much crap there is out there. There has been a panic attack building which I have been supressing as best I can that I think is just going to burst soon, and am scared it's going to be an all out nervous breakdown since I've been holding it in for so long.

I don't know. All I know is that I'm sick of where I am and what I am (and am not) doing. It's not the rejection that gets me, it's the fact that I'm not even getting any consideration, I get no calls for interviews, and no one takes my call when I try to be assertive. And it isn't like I'm applying to jobs I'm not qualified for. Everything and everyone I've sent my resume to has been for something I am more than qualified to do (much of it has been stuff monkeys are qualified to do, at least monkeys with a college degree).

I'm not looking for pity, I'm not looking for compasion, I'm not looking for anything. I just needed to vent and delay the panic attack I felt building up inside. My next post will probably ignore this one completely as that's what I've been doing, ignoring the crap until it piles up so high it can't be ignored. This just raises the wall a little higher to keep it from tumbling down, at least until next time.

And because this has been such a whiny and annoying post (I know I'd find it whiny and annoying if it wasn't about me) I will leave you with something fun (if offended by bad language do not click on link).

A day of writing

It's been a while since I've updated Symphony of Sweets, and I've been meaning to (for the very few people that might actually be reading it) only I don't like the way it's went and I'm having a hard time getting the next chapter out. I though putting myself in a bind with a structure would help, only now I'm just disapointed with my work. I will get back to it soon (I just started on the first chapter for the seventh time and I think I have something), but until then feel free to check out my newest brainstorm on my Fiction Blog.

Whenever I am stumpted on something I want to write I wind up writing something else far more silly, just to cleanse the my writing palate. It keeps me fresh and keeps the weird fun stuff from infecting the stories I'm more passionate about. It's not a finished work as I don't know what's really going to happen next, and I thought this would be a perfect time to get feedback (if any of you are so inclined to read thet story) so I can mold the story into what it will become. Read it, don't read it, at least it keeps me off the streets yelling at strangers like a crazy old man.

I love canadians

I do, but that is really neither here nor there.

If you are at all interested, I wrote a review for The Squid and The Whale, which can be read Here at

Sunday, November 13, 2005

pins and needles (well really just needles)

I gave blood today. The nurse wasn't so good and my arm is still in pain (and cold, but the cold is normal when I give blood, the pain has usually gone away by now) and the puncture point is definitely going to bruse, which I could have lived without. My blood is A- which I already knew, and my brother loves lording it over me that he has O- ("My blood will definitely save a life while your's might just languish in the banks till it's no good anymore). The funny thing is both my parents have Positive blood types while myself, and at least one of my siblings have Negative blood types. Genetics is wacky.

Speaking of wacky, go to Stellito's blog here and click on the link she provides in the post. It's quite possibly one of the funniest things I've ever seen.

Seacrest, Out.
(What a tool)

Friday, November 11, 2005

looking down my nose (but not seeing much because it's so big)

I recently sent of an application to a website to review movies for them (not just out of the goodness of my heart, I'd be paid to do it). The application was simple. First was basically a short bio explaining why they should consider me a Snob (their term for their reviewers). The second part was a writing sample.

I haven't written anything on my blog for a few days, and still don't have much to report or to really say, so in lieu of a regular entry I shall present you with my answer as to why I am (or can be) a film snob. Only now do I notice my mistake: I used the phrase "when it's all said and done" twice, and I probably shouldn't have used it even a single time. Ahh, cest la'vie.

When it's all said and done, I don't think anyone wants to be a snob. What we do want, however, is for people to consider our opinions above those of anyone and most everyone else. The real problem is convincing the world that our opinions are worthy of said consideration. I graduated from Emerson College with a degree in writing and a strong background in media history and theory. If you need a guy to write a article on post-modern, post-structuralist, anti-essentialist, lesbian, independent cinema, I'm your guy. I can get into the history, background, evolution and artistry in film.

At the same time I'm a big dork. I wish it weren't so, but alas. Just because I know the big words and how they're used, and when they should be used, does not mean I only watch films where those "big words" can be applied. I can dig on the pop stuff too. As a fan of comic books I'm usually the first one in line for the next bright, four color, multi-million dollar adaptation. Simultaniously, due to my background, I'm usually also the first in line to see Jim Jarmusch's newest film.

I know movies. I know good movies, I know bad movies, and I know movies that are so bad they're good. When it's all said and done I am a connoisseur of story and that is why my opinion matters - why I should, as you put it, be a snob.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Haikus for yous

Bad poetry because I'm in that sort of mood.

Short staccato verse.
latent emotion evoked.
Style dictates content?

29 Beckwith drive.
Longmeadow, Massachusetts
Amichai J. Greene

Dessert for breakfast
cannot nearly compare to
breakfast in the desert.

Wasting all my time
writing nonsense instead of
searching for a job.

Monday, November 07, 2005

Heavens, the fever - she is upon me

Still sick. Still achey. Still nausious. Still trying to break out of my feverous delusions. I have not vomited, yet I see it as an eventuality; it's not a matter of if, just when. Hopefully some hot tea and the 60 degree (farenheit) weather outside will do me some good.

Something I forgot before. I didn't list Rawbeans Rant as a blog I read regularly, only I do read it regularly so now it is listed.

Also, for the love of pete, people - you should all go out and read Stellito's blog. Please, for your own sake.

Saturday, November 05, 2005

new blogs that I like

So it's Saturday night and I should go out and have fun. I haven't actually gone out and had fun in a long time (at least two months). Lily (my brothers girlfriend), as I mentioned two posts previous, just turned 24, and tonight she is celebrating her birthday. First, dinner at some vegi chinese place in chinatown then drinks at some dive bar (which as a prerequisite must have a photobooth - as per Lily's birthday wishes) somewhere in alphabet city (on avenue B or D, I can't recall). Granted I would hang out with all my brother's frieds (I have no freinds in Manahattan yet - or queens for that matter), but that will most likely be fun. I do have a tendancy of being incredibly awkward at all times (those who know me personally can back this up) and that might not be such a good thing amungst strangers. Regardless I don't even know if I'm going as I am coming down with a cold. I either got it from my father or a different brother, both of whom are sick. Today is the first day and I know it's just going ot get worse tomorrow. I ache like nobodies business (as if someone lubricated all my joints with battery acid) and my head just started pounding. I took some tylenol, which has eliminated my symptons, albeit temporarily. The scary thing is I can feel my heart beating. Psuedophedreine (sp?) causes your heart rate to increase. I took an anti-histamine pill and though it's probably just my hypochondria, I think I can feel my heart beating much more quickly in my chest. It's not a big deal as it often happens when I take anti-histamines, but it isn't very comfortable.

I'm also very poor, as in quite literally broke (well more than just broke since I'm in debt up to my eyebrows - damn expensive college loans) so I don't even know if I can afford dinner and drinks, let alone just dinner, or just drinks. I would very much like to celebrate Lily's birthday but I think destiny is forcing me to do otherwise and once again stay home and watch TV (maybe with a nice bowl of soup and copius amounts of tea).

Regardless, tonight I have decided (inspired by lady hearteater) to throw out some links to other blogs I read. Some in fact I just started reading, while others I have been reading for a while. None of which are linked in my sidebar. I should probably do that too (at least with some of them) but I'm sick and far too lazy to really go into my template and do the additions. When I feel better....

But until then:

Lunatic Fringe just news and stuff, but I like how he writes it.

Ten Minutes Older a clever hopeful british film maker who has described herself as over educated and under employed - and I can completely relate to that.

Clandestine Call Girl This one really blew my mind. I'm pretty sure it's legit. It's the online diary of a woman who lives a normal life like all of us, yet on the side she's a proffessional escort. I actually took a day to go through and read all her old entries. From a psychological standpoint it's riviting (also she has a nice writing style that makes the blog very accessable).

XoTessamarieoX I love Jazi Fizzle!. Two blogs from two forteen year old girls. It's not riviting, or even that interesting, but I never had sisters, and there is something very interesting getting into the head of a someone who is so alien to me.

Friday's Web Most people who read my blog probably read hers first so there isn't much I need to say. If you haven't read it, you should check it out.

Lady Hearteater. Ditto with what I said about Friday's Web. Another fun lady with a fun weblog.

Now don't say I never gave you anything.

Thursday, November 03, 2005

The secret true history of Amichai (an awfuly long post)

Imagine it's the summer of 1998, the first day of camp for the campers, exactly 1:06:42.7 PM Eastern Standard time, making it 5:06:42.7 PM Greenwich mean time. But that's irrelevant as who really cares what time it is in London?

In exactly 62 seconds I'm going to meet Eloise ___(real name with held so I don't feel like such an idiot).

Consequently, in 627,793 seconds I will fall in love with Eloise ___.

In approximately 1,585,534 seconds she'll break my heart, which I guess is all right because in 312 seconds she'll fix my glasses. Thus, karmically speaking, we'll have a total sum of zero, which - as I understand things - is the way to go.

But this all starts 62 seconds from now.

Approximately 136,960.87 seconds ago my glasses broke. I was playing frisbee, and due to a poorly lit night sky I took a disk to the face. Though my glasses were broken I didn't realize it until approximately 136,855.321 seconds ago that the left ear piece detached from the spectacles. This was confirmed when 136,846.7 seconds ago my glasses fell off my face and landed on the still wet though very unhealthy grass. Give or take a second and a half.

In 302 seconds she is going to fix my glasses using nothing but a pair of tweezers, some cloth, and wire she normally uses to make jewelry.

In 424 seconds I'm going to realize that she is also a staff member and not the older sister of a camper, as I will assume 120 seconds from now. This will immediately cause me to change my flirting strategy. In exactly 465 seconds I will stop being the lovable goofball who seems humorously addled by everything, to the goofball who knows everything about the camp; just in case she has any questions. As it will turn out she'll have no questions and will continue to ridicule me as she had before - but all in good fun. The fun sort of way you insult someone you immediately feel comfortable with. I can't quite explain it but in exactly 63.52146 seconds she'll say hi and call me a goofball thus changing my life forever. In 65 seconds, give or take a nano-second, she'll feel the connection too as I tease her back.

For the next 619,200 seconds we will be inseparable. Aside from our duties as staff members at the overnight camp we will spend every second of our spare time together. We don't have to say anything about it. She will seek me out just as much as I seek her. Being the naive 566,686,545 seconds old (give or take) that I'll be I'll figure we are just good friends, but an idea will be brewing in the back of my skull. In exactly 619,852 seconds I'll realize that she hasn't changed her dress in the past 259,200 seconds (approximately, I will not be around when she gets dressed so I could be off within 10,800 seconds). This is immediately after she realizes she forgot her shoes back at her bunk and instead of walking back barefoot to get them, she will tie two thin planks of wood to her feet (she works in the arts and crafts building and will have access to all sorts of neat stuff) to be used as shoes and will head out with me to the dining hall. It's at that second, as the final shoe is tied on, that I'll have an inkling that the feeling in the pit of my stomach is love and not indigestion as I previously assumed.

In 627,774 seconds we will be walking back from the dining hall to our bunks. In that moment I'll realize that no one else is around, a perfect time to breach the subject of some sort of romantic entanglement. In 627,782 seconds she'll take off her "shoes" saying her feet are chafing and the wooden planks weren't as good as an idea as she originally thought they'd be. In 627,793 seconds I'll offer to give her a piggy back ride to her bunk so she doesn't cut up her feet on the horribly rugged dirt road. In 627,793.6 seconds she will accept wholeheartedly. We will make our way down the dirt road, and I'll notice that even though she hasn't changed her dress in over 259,300.756 seconds (approximately) she still smells wonderful. Her scent is not like anything else and I couldn't describe it if I was given a million years and a million dollars; and even though it'll probably just be pheromones interacting with my brain chemistry, I'll know that I'd follow her to the end of the earth, if she just happened to be going in that direction.

In 627,825 seconds I'll open my mouth, not quite sure what I'm going to say but hoping whatever it is will turn us from friends into lovers (and in my mind I will actually use the phrase "lovers" but only because I'm an idiot).

77,329,553 seconds ago I sat in the library at this same camp (then as a camper), my girlfriend of the time resting in my lap. The lights dimmed as the entire age group (all 65 of us) stared ahead at the small flickering TV. We were watching Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. 77,329,520 seconds ago she took my hands, which were resting on her stomach, and moved them up to her breasts. No one noticed. The only one who seems surprised was Harrison Ford and he had other things on his mind at the time. 77,329,510 seconds ago I moved my hands back to her stomach not realizing the not so subtle hint she just gave me. 77,329,505 seconds ago she moved my hands back. 77,329,493 seconds ago I realized what was going on and I freaked out and 77,329,484 seconds ago I moved my hands back to her stomach out of cowardice.

In 12,042,723 seconds I'll be in my dorm room as I'm given my first blowjob. 433 seconds later she'll give up because, for a reason I'll never understand, I fail to maintain an erection.

In 22,107,600 seconds I'll be in my girlfriends apartment switching the TV off as I turn to engage in what I hope to be various sexual activities. In 22,107,689 seconds she'll stop me and ask that first I wash my hands and cut my nails before we go any further. Consequently I'll spend the next 634.45 seconds in her bathroom searching fruitlessly for her nail clippers.

In 627,826 seconds, before I get a chance to say anything to Eloise, she's going to ask if I like a fellow male staff member.

"Yeah I like him, why?" I'll ask.
"He has a crush on you and I wanted to know if you were interested, because I could set you guys up." But this is not when she will break my heart. That is still to happen 957,708 seconds from this conversation. This is just a precursor.

"I..." What, I'll think, could I possibly say to this?
"If you're interested."
"No. Thank you but no. He's a pal. I'm not.. I'm not... I don't... I'm not gay."
"OK. But if you were or were interested in it he does have a crush on you."
"Thanks. Thanks. I'm flattered, but I'm not interested in it. I mean, I like him, but not like that. I'm not gay."
"OK. I'm just letting you know you could hit that shit if you wanted to."
"When you put it like that how can I refuse?" And we'll both drop the subject right after my lame attempt at levity.

I will carry her back to her bunk wheezing by the end not because she's heavy but because I'm weak. I won't broach the subject I had intended when I picked her up. In fact I won't bring it up for the next 231,216,423 seconds, and still counting.

In 1,585,534 seconds I'll walk into Eloise's bunk only to find her fucking her new boyfriend. In 1,585,537 seconds I'll turn around and immediately walk out praying they didn't notice me. The reason I will walk into the bunk is because a mutual friend told me 345,427 seconds earlier that Eloise would be interested if I was interested. A fact I will have already figured out but will still wait those 345,427 seconds before I overcome the fear of actually broaching the subject. This, apparently, is 216,000 seconds too long. In 1,369,537 seconds she will have gotten sick of waiting for me.

But this all starts in 62 seconds.

In camp, sixty-two seconds is an eternity.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Birthday Blog

My youngest brother Asaf has officially turned 18 as of today! He can get drafted and vote; he can buy lottery tickets, cigarettes and porn. He can also purchase items previously unavailable to him in stores; that's right, the home shopping network and other special TV adds have opened their arms to him with all the useless gadgets the world has to offer - provided he's willing to shell out only four payments of $19.95 (plus shipping and handling).

And the final nail in the coffin that was his youth: he can have consensual sex with someone his own age legally and not be accused of statutory rape (not that he was ever accused of statutory rape, justing saying that as long as he stays sexually active within his own age group he'll never have to worry about it - also, who would want to rape a statue anyway?). That's right boys and girls, the government no longer has any say regarding his sex life.

But the happiness doesn't stop there. Not only is it Asaf's birthday today but Lily, Hillel's (the eldest of all three of my younger brothers) girlfriend, was born 24 years ago today. This isn't that big of a step for her as she can already purchase lottery tickets, cigarettes, porn, and the other junk only available through this special one time TV offer. But it is a momentous day for her as well because; well, just because it's fun to enjoy a birthday. I do feel bad for her though, she is allergic to wheat and it's difficult to find a birthday cake she can eat. Last weekend Hillel did a test run for a chocolate cake using spelt flour instead of wheat from a recipe in Gourmet Magazine. They way I see it, that's true love.

Happy birthday to all and to all a good night (or afternoon, or whatever time is when you read this)