First off I have to say posting is addictive. I posted then posted, and now am posting again. Hmm... what does that really say about my follow through? Well, not a lot really.
But this post isn't about me, well it is, as most posts in someway are about me. Instead lets say this post is more about a friend and me.
Which is to say it's not really about anything at all, or might not be about anything at all. I'm not sure. The thing is - I think a good friend of mine just tried to come out of the closet to me. I was on the phone talking to her, enjoying the conversation as I always do when speaking to this friend, then when I mentioned I planned on getting a hair cut this week (it's been a year and three days since my last cut) she mumbled something very quickly.
Now, her response is what befuddled me. In her muddled response affirming that yes indeed I should cut my hair, I think she tried slipping something in about being gay. One of those really awkward:
"Yes, the roast is delicious. I'm a lesbian. Can you please pass the gravy?"
"What did you just say?"
"I was asking for the gravy."
Granted it was a phone conversation and didn't occur anything like that (as there was no roast or gravy to speak of; though as I mention it, I am getting hungry) but had that general gist to it. The whole bit happened so quickly I wasn't sure if she actually said she was gay, trying to make a joke about my long and crappy hair, or it was something else all together. I can honestly say I'm not sure. And it really isn't something I can ask her. I mean I can ask her, I just don't know how to tactfully bring it up in conversation, and worse, I wouldn't know what to do if I brought it up and she said she was straight.
Friends have come out of the closet to me before. I know how to be supportive and nonchalant. I write nonchalant because sexuality really has no bearing on how I treat people. I have gay friends, I have straight friends; there are gay people I hate, there are straight people I hate. The reason I like and or hate these people has nothing to do with being gay or straight, but on the person's personality. And this friend who may or not be gay knows that about me. We've been friends for six years now and have shared many of the same friends.
Random aside. As I write this I am completely flipping out. I'm home alone, it's nearing midnight and I heard a huge crash sound coming from the other room. Let me repeat. I am alone and the crash came from the other room. In horror movies this is the point where you yell at the scream, "don't be stupid and check the noise, run away as fast as you can." Well, I got up and checked on the noise, because in real life that's what you do when you live alone - though on the other hand it's probably what you do when you die alone too. The shower broke and fell, crashing onto the tub making the noise. I don't know how, or why, as I never use that shower (I use the one downstairs) or how to fix it. I'm kinda freaked but I'm trying to move on. Though if this winds up being my last post ever, you'll all know it was the monster in the bathtub that did me in.
And if I ask and she says she's straight, what do I say next. It can't be like "oh, are you sure, cause I thought you were." What's the next sentence after she says, "no, I'm not gay"?
If she is gay she needs to deal with it in her own way and I respect that. I will admit that it does saddens me a little, if she is, that she isn't comfortable telling me yet. She's one of my best pals ever, her being gay won't change that. And if she thinks it will, what does that say about how she thinks of me? So I hope she isn't, not because I really care whether she's gay or not, but because I don't like the idea that she isn't comfortable telling me.
Finding My Thin Places
1 week ago