Monday, May 30, 2005

My horse is so high I can't see the ground

Just because this issue hits close to home.

Logan Ritchie reported in this weeks Jewish Advocate (the greater Boston Jewish newspaper) that the US Air Force Academy in Colorado has been accused of anti-semitism.

"Recent Graduate Casey Weinstein claims he was subject to proselytizing by his teachers, restriction of kosher food, the inability to observe the Sabbath and Christian themed parties sponsored by the academy."

Hooray separation of Church and state. Er, wait a second, that doesn't sound like separation at all.

Barry Lynn, executive director of Americans United for Separation of Church and State told this to the Jewish Advocate:
"There is a clear preference for Christianity at the academy, so that everyone else feels like a second class citizen."

Be all that you can be, as long as Christianity is somehow involved. No atheists, Jews, Muslims, Hindus, Buddhists, and so forth allowed. But not just any old Christian is welcome.

Bruce Debosky, regional director of the ADL for the Mountain states is quoted:
"This is not something that happened over night. there is a history of Evangelical messages, and even mainstream Christians have been made to feel uncomfortable. It is critical that the constitutional principle of separation of church and state be up help."

I'm not going to get into a big thing explaining why the separation is important, or why, even though it isn't specifically mentioned in the constitution (It was Jefferson who coined the phrase "A wall of separation between Church and State" while giving a speech at a church). All I want to say is that this is getting more and more frustrating and even if this has been a problem for a while (as it in fact has been) we keep hearing about it more and more frequently now. I think much of the blame should fall on this current administration, as Bush has shown time and time again, to put it ineloquently, he sucks at being a uniter.

I don't have a problem with christians, religious or otherwise. Nor do I have a problem with religious evangelical christians. They can believe any way they want. I do have a problem with the Evangelical christian right who seem to be getting their way more and more with out regards to the rest of us living in this country. This is not a Christian land, no matter how much they would like to obscure the history and wish otherwise.

Whatever happened to those goth kids you knew in High school?

Judge: Parents can't teach pagan beliefs. Father appeals order in divorce decree that prevents couple from exposing son to Wicca. as published by the Indystar.

Well now we know. Sure I might make fun (and I do) but I respect anyone with who tries to uphold their religious beliefs in a respectful and peacefull manner. This is just wrong.

Religious freedom should be for everyone, not just the ones that the current group of old Christian white guys in power are comfortable with.

I'd go on, but I don't want to bore any of you with another political rant. But if you really want one you should check out Peter David's blog

Don't just carry on, get angry, do something....

Sunday, May 29, 2005

My Superman T-shirt

I hate nature. Actually, I love nature. Only, I hate it.

I can enjoy nature if say, I'm tossing around a ball or a frisbee, or if I happen to be taking a nice hike, or even going camping. I strongly believe in preserving our natural wildlife, state parks, finding renewable sources of energy, and so forth.

I hate mowing the lawn. I absolutely hate mowing the lawn. Let me reiterate, I despise mowing the lawn. You can say I feel very strongly on the matter. It isn't that I just hate mowing the lawn, I hate having to continually mow the lawn. At least once a week (twice if it rains) the grass must be cut. It's a two hour chore that wipes me of most of my energy killing my Sundays. I dislike shoveling snow, but I only have to shovel the driveway, and only when it snows. I have to mow the entire lawn every week. Every last blade of grass. I don't know how much it actually is, maybe about 3/4's of an acre, which isn't so bad, comparatively speaking (my neighbors across the street have about the same amount of land, but more lawn that I do - though they have one of those mowers you can ride on; I don't).

Whilst mowing I tore a hole in one of my favorite work shirts; rather, a tree tore a hole in one of my favorite work shirts. It's about an two and a half inches wide, and smack in the middle of my back. I either have to get rid of the shirt, sew it up (which will look pretty stupid) use it as a rag (god forbid) or toss it (I couldn't possibly). I could continue to wear it with the big hole in the back, but that also looks pretty stupid. Not that I'm trying to impress any one (I hardly have what one would call a rippling physique), but I should carry myself with some sort of-- ah, who am I kidding, I'll probably continue to wear it with the hole; even out in public. But that was a bummer.

And I killed a snake. I didn't mean too. I didn't see it. I didn't even know I killed it until I was emptying out the lawn mower bag and found it in a few pieces. It was just a simple garden snake, probably helping fend off pesky rodents or insects around the garden and lawn. It meant me absolutely no harm. And I know it shouldn't be that big of a deal, but I'm one of those "all life is sacred" freaks so killing the snake is just more bad karma I'm going to have to burn off some how. Maybe I'll go out and feed some stray dogs to the lions at the zoo. That might do it.

Anyway, I'm off to eat my lunch, then take down the storm windows because it's finally nice out again.

On a side note, my youngest brother is coming home from his three month trip to Israel today. Spent the third (and final) trimester of his high school senior year there. He will be landing in New York around now actually, and take a bus back to his school with his fellow classmates. Thus he should be back here at home around 8pm. I'm psyched to see him again, but I know he's really bummed to be back home (his girlfriend was with him in Israel, and now they are going to be spending the summer apart, then going to different schools in different states, MIT - her and NYU - him). But he's a good kid, I know he'll adjust. Regardless, it'll be nice to see him again.

That's all for now, carry on then...

Friday, May 27, 2005

Joke of the day

As told by Jimmy Carr on Distraction last night.

If we took all the all the money America spends on food each month we could feed the third world for a year. I don't know about you, but this leads me to believe that we are being seriously over charged for our groceries.

Purple nurple

As posted by Warren Ellis, comic book writer extraordinare. I doubt they'll use this in the new Batman movie. Definitely not what Bob Kane and Bill Finger had in mind, at least I hope not, those sick bastards.

Wednesday, May 25, 2005


File under: Ideas for a story

Tragic or tragically hilarious, you be the judge.

Check it out!

I just finished revising a short story I've been working on for quite some time. If you are feeling either bored, curious, or realize you have seven minutes to burn, feel free to check it out here.

Any and all suggestions are always welcomed.

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

The good the bad and the candidate for pastic surgery

First thing first, though nothing is going to come of this it is a nice ego boost right when I needed it. My script on triggerstreet received a few more reviews and jumped up into the top ten on the site. That's the top ten out of a little over 2000 scripts. This means very little in the real world, but it's a nice temporary feather in my cap.

Secondly, this is one of the funnier postings I've seen online recently. You will not be disapointed (Pun intended. What pun you ask, check out the post!).

And thirdly, I hung out with my friend Jenni last night. We saw the cute yet mildly disappointing French film "Look At Me" at the Lexington theater. Jenni normally lives out in Utah for half the year and West Virginia the other half, leading various different outdoor adventure groups (mostly for troubled teens). Whilst in Utah, on a mountain biking trip she broke her ankle and a few other bones in her legs. I saw the pictures and the X-rays and they are nasty. Her ankle is bent in a direction it shouldn't by all accounts be bent at. I shudder just thinking about it (but I will not hesitate to post the images of said ankle if she ever sends them to me - just to share with everyone else). She's undergone some surgery and now has a metal plate and pin keeping her lower left leg together (along with a cast) She has come home to Lexington to recover and be taken care of (she probably won't be able to walk on her own until sometime in September of this year).

Anyway, I don't know why Jenni is my friend. Most people try to be cool. They might buy certain clothes, hang out in certain places with certain people, read certain books, see certain movies, listen to certain music; all in the attempt to be cool. Coolness is something most of us strive for. We all have a different idea as to what cool is, for some it's getting into that really exclusive club. For others it's getting the newest Dismemberment Plan CD and complaining that Modest Mouse sold out. Whatever it is, we want to be it. Whether we realize this or not, trying to be cool takes up most of how we interact with the world. I don't by any stretch of the imagination mean that we are being fake or phony, just simply trying to be cool is simply trying to be our best.

Jenni doesn't try to be cool. Trying to be cool is the farthest thing from her mind. Jenni is one of the few people who don't have to try, she just is cool. I doesn't matter what she wears, who she might listen to, what books she reads, who she talks to; she is cool - she just can't help it. She is cool in any and every situation. It's not an act, it's not a pretension, it's just who she is, and she probably doesn't even realize how cool she is (which is just one of the ways one can figure out who really is cool). She might not fit in every crowd, but I can't imagine anyone (regardless who they are) not thinking she is cool.

Aesthetically she isn't anything extraordinary. She's cute, not movie cute, just in a regular person sort of way. That being said I haven't met a man yet who isn't instantly crushed after finding out she's in a relationship. This aura of coolness permiates her being attracting everyone she meets.

And I don't know why she's my friend. Rather, I don't know why she has chosen to be friends with me. I certainly know why I want to be her friend. I always have fun hanging out with her. I don't anyone to get the wrong impression, my fondness towards her is purely platonic (I would disagree with Harry, men and women can just be friends). It's just I've met some of her other friends and they are also cool people (the type of kids I always wanted to hang out with in high school, but was too scared to try). All very nice, all very open to everybody, all very engaging, all very cool. I am pretty nice, I try (though often fail) to be open to everybody, and I can be engaging, but I'm not particularly cool.

I have good friends, in fact they're great. They're all good people in the same way I would like to think I'm a good person - I wouldn't change them for the world. But Jenni; Jenni is my cool friend. The friend that I wonder what I might have done in my past life to get a friend as cool as Jenni.

I'm just thankful that she'll never realize how cool she is, or if she does, she still won't care (she's that cool!) and that these thoughts will never plague her mind as they plague mine.

Uhh.. Carry on then.

Sunday, May 22, 2005

revenge of the uber nerd

I'm off to see the new starts wars movie. But be not afraid, I don't dress in costume nor do I know the various lore and legends of the Lucasverse. I'm not expecting to like it (I watched the second prequel in fast forward and still felt it was a waste of my time), yet I feel obligated to see it. Another ten dollars wasted. Hopefully we can put this, yet another unsatisfying chapter in our movie going history, to rest.

Be aware, I am not done. More to come upon my viewing.

uh.... carry on then (for now)

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Trying to figure out 42

I'm still going through the process of figuring it all out. In an earlier post I mentioned that my life is unraveling, and I want to clarify by stating that I was overstating the matter. My life, as it stands is more akin to legos than anything else. Perhaps you have had this experience: as a child you decided to build a magnificent lego structure. You build and build and build. You follow the directions, and as you are nearly finished you invite a friend over to marvel at your creation. This friend, with no malicious intent, walks over to your structure to inspect it. The friend reaches to touch it and accidentally breaks off a piece. While attempting to fix the gaff the friend accidentally knocks into another section knocking pieces apart. Quickly you pull your friend aside and say you'll fix it later, now realizing the only way to piece it back together is to pull more apart and start over again.

Maybe this has happened to you, maybe not, but that is about as good as an analogy I can come up with for my present situation. Everything is falling apart, but it isn't by any means broken, and at least I have a friend touching my stuff.

First off, I'm not getting any freaking job interviews. None what-so-ever! And this is seriously starting to wear on my self-esteem. Am I really this worthless? What am I doing wrong? And so forth. But this is only the beginning.

I have two friends (I have more than just two but I'm only writing about these two) living together in Manhattan. They aren't talking to each other any more. They were going to move down to Louisville, Kentucky come september, but that looks less likely to happen, as they are no longer speaking to each other, and I think it's my fault. I'm the first one to admit it, I don't understand women. Not one bit. I'm not going to make any stupid stereotypes about the differences between the sexes so often commented upon by lame comedians, suffice to say that there are differences, neither being better or worse than the other. A month ago I was invited to move down south with them, and late last week I called asking if the invitation was still open. I was feeling stagnant, the move was only going to be for 9 months, and I thought a change would do me some good.

Now I'm not so sure what happened next. The two of them spoke, they argued about something- I'm not entirely sure what, I've heard a different story from each of them- and now they aren't speaking, they aren't going to be moving together, and it all has something to do with my question wondering if the invitation was still open. One of them is moving down to Louisville, the other is convinced that she is moving to Eugene, Oregon with me, something I'm still not sure exactly how it happened. I remember saying Eugene sounded like a nice place, something of a college town, and that somehow translated into "Yes, let's move to Eugene together." She currently is so set on this I don't know how to back out without hurting her feelings. But I have to figure something out soon as I'm going to her graduate school graduation this Friday.

My artist, the one with whom I've been collaborating on a comic book, bailed on me. I thought things were going well. Apparently he couldn't pull it together, didn't have the inspiration needed, and bam, gone. This is the fourth artist to bail on me. And once again I go back to the idea that this is somehow my fault. If it's such a consistent problem it can't be just a coincidence. I just don't know what I'm doing wrong. After I give them the script we talk, and I let them know they can run with it. Take as many creative liberties as they think necessary, make it as much their own as it is mine. I don't set up any specific schedules, and try to play it by ear. I don't pester them with e-mails or phone calls everyday, or even every week. usually a letter every two weeks to see how things are going, maybe schedule a meeting in a month, or just to shoot the shit. I never hold on too tight for fear they'll slip away through my fingers, but maybe I should be closing my hand just a little bit. I don't know.

I might be homeless come june 30th and have to figure out where I'm going to live, and how I'm going to pay for it.

So there is all that.

On the plus side, I have a script doing well on Trigger street (it's #250 out of about 2050, the best I've done so far). Also, liked my writing sample and I probably will be writing reviews for them and maybe a regular column. It's not paying, but at least it's a step in the right direction. So my life doesn't completely suck.

I'm not in the best mood for writing which should explain the poor writing quality of this post. My next one will be better written, I promise.

Uhh.... carry on then

Sunday, May 15, 2005

Pee-pee dance no more

Why was this never thought of before? It is arguably one of the greatest ideas I've ever heard (and I once heard an idea, spouted earnestly at the time, for butter flavored ice cream).

One can only hope we start implementing this in America. Mapquest of the future, so to speak.

Friday, May 13, 2005

I'm Boned

I can't be much clearer than that. More to come in a few days as it all unravels.


This is a really neat site. Check it out here.

Access denied

Not a single interview, what the hell am I doing wrong?

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

This is not a test (or a joke)

Don't be alarmed. That soft thudding sound you've been hearing but can't figure out where it's coming from... well, it's coming from Framingham, Massachusetts. It is the sound of my head repeatedly being smacked into the wall. I do it to myself because I am too poor (ie too unemployed) to afford drugs to numb the pain that are many of my fellow citizens. I am not ashamed to admit it, I am a New England Elitist. Don't get me wrong, I love America. I don't think the rest of the country is bad (I drove cross country and I loved it, even the flat boring states thrilled me, I had my head out the window the entire time just absorbing the majesty of the country, it was amazing; awe inspiring in fact!) I just think New England is better. A good chunk of the best schools are here, many of the best writers and poets are from here, many of my favorite bands are either from here or the members grew up here, we have the best baseball team (though not with the best track record of course), we have culture, history, arts, foliage, but also the great rural stuff, farms, small towns where everyone knows your name, and so forth. I have some friends moving down to Louisville, Kentucky who are trying to get me to move with them. I'm awfully tempted; (the move won't be for another 3 months so I have some time to think about it) though, even if I move, New England will always be my home.

Putting all that aside, one of the reasons I like it here so much is I'm surrounded by like minded people. I'm proud to be from the first state in the union to legalize same-sex marriage. I'm surrounded by progressive thinkers. In fact even the Republicans I know are in favor of same-sex marriages (they are just more fiscally conservative). It's jarring to realize that so much of this country (in fact the majority) are of a different mindset. The most recent kick to the gut; this bumper magnet:

This image was taken from the website and is no joke. The lead in the the website, written on the top of the page:

"Do you believe God belongs in government?
Do you believe President Bush is doing The Lord's Work?"

No, and no.

I've been a practicing conservative Jew for close to 25 years now (they say practice makes perfect, but I still don't think I'm going to go professional), I keep kosher- it's easy as a vegetarian -I observe the sabbath, I go to synagogue (though not as frequent as my father- a Rabbi -would like) and so forth. I am a religious person and I don't think God should be anywhere near the government. As a fan of history I have learned that anytime a government got involved with God, bad things happened to the Jews. To quote Mel Brooks:

"The Inquisition (What a show)
The Inquisition (Here we go)
We know you’re wishing that we’d go away
So come on all you heathens and you Jews
We got some good news for all of yous
You’d better change your point of views today
Cause the inquisitions here and it’s here to say"

Not that I'm comparing current christian doctrine to that of Torquemada. But the idea of god in Government is not something I'm very comfortable with, especially because I know it isn't my god they are talking about. Not that it would make a difference if it was my God. I wouldn't want to force a law on other Americans that all food made in this country be kosher, that just isn't fair. So too I should not be subjected to laws pertaining to Christian theology. Only about 2% of the country is Jewish, yet we make up the second largest religious population (though I think that is slowly changing, Muslims and Hindus are very quickly catching up).

The site goes on to say, "If this country's legislature and judiciary are supposed to reflect the values and beliefs of The People, then send them a message that they are WAY off course!" Yes, the legislature is supposed to reflect the beliefs of the majority of people, we voted them in. The judiciary is in place as a check to that power to ensure that the minority is protected and treated with equal protection under the law (it's for more than just that, but that is part of it). If it actually was subject to the majority, segregation laws would never have been deemed unconstitutional. It scares me how many people don't understand this, or choose to ignore it.

I can't stand that schools have to teach Evolution as a theory on equal standings as creationism. I've read and studied the bible (in the original Hebrew no less). There are at least two contradictory stories as to in what order the world was created. There is one version where man was created first, and one where man was created last. Which version do they teach? Creationism isn't science, it isn't history, it is religion and it is a parable. And what about the fast growing ranks of religious Americans whose religion is not in some way based on the old testament? Must they be subjected to this religious doctrination in our public schools? There is something horribly wrong with that.

The separation between church and state, though not specifically written into the constitution (at least not in those words), has been working pretty well since thomas Jefferson said that the first amendment created a "wall of separation between church and state." I'm not one to usually prefer the status quo, but in this case, I say let the separation between Government and God stand and let Bush do his Lords work on his own time, not while serving at the pleasure of The People, all The People, not just the ones that voted him in.

Sunday, May 08, 2005

It's official

I have too much time on my hands. Purely to entertain myself I have started a blog for the more fictitous aspect of my brain. Feel free to read any of my prose anytime, here.

Love it, hate it, either way I feel productive.

Philip Baker Hall Aka Lt. Bookman

Wasn't this a Seinfeld episode once.

Man pays for extremely late library fines.

Thursday, May 05, 2005

Hey! Where's the beef?

As an homage to Spider Jerusalem and from a fear that I might be out of touch, for the past two days I've been sitting at my computer clicking the little next blog in the upper right hand of your screen. Trolling the blogosphere, as I've heard it been called, hoping to find something of interest on which I could report. As the time passed, and as I read the various entries of those blogs written in english, I began to fear I'd have nothing of interest to say, thus not only wasting my time, but the time of the few people who read my blog. In desperation I kept going and going, trolling from blog to blog praying that an epiphany of some sort would strike leading me to an amazingly original observation of not only Blogspot, but human nature as well.

Page after page scrolled down before me, my eyes quickly darting back and forth searching for the answer. And the more I searched the more I was sure an epiphany would come. It was a drug unlike one I've ever expereinced, all the addiction without any pleasant side-affects (not being bulimic, my nausea clearly doesn't count).

In this deluded state I kept moving on from blog to blog, even more convinced that the key to understanding not just humanity but the entire universe was hidden, and each blog was akin to a puzzle piece. All I would have to do is read them in the correct order and I would be like that of a GOD.

Needless to say, it didn't happen. I am not a god (not even in lower case), though some people might tremble before me - that has less to do with any god like powers and more to the point that I should change my deoderant more often. I was bestowed no epiphany, in fact, I can safely say I didn't learn anything at all. After a while all blogs started blending into one big blog which said this:


And so forth.

Which isn't to say I didn't come across any Blogs that I liked. I did come across some fun blogs. The good ones in my opinion were the ones not specifically devoted to the news or any political point of view, the ones who used full sentences and full words, the ones who got wrote out their ideas (be it about the going on's of the world or just their personal life) in a well articulated clever fashion. But those were the ones harder to find.

I should probably give links to the ones I felt are worthy of mention, only I'm beat and just like most of my assignments back when I was in school; I didn't take proper notes.

Three that jumped out at me as being different (blogs I visit regularly don't count as those are the ones that jumped out at me in the past) are as follows: Public Transportation, Query letters, and finally, for reasons I still don't understand the first entry of this blog Polemic really got to me (perhaps because it has a smart minimalistic approach I so sorely lack).

I was hoping that, like everything else one expects from the internet, finding the good would be fast and easy. Unfortunately for my lazy ass the world of the blogs is just like any other medium. Most of what's out there is blends together into one long desert of bland (or perhaps a better term would be just a bland dessert, empty calories and all). And just like every other medium you have to take the time to discern the good from the bad. I guess the real lesson learned, and definatly something I can take comfort in is this: access to technology doesn't make us smarter, better writers, more interesting, or more worthy of being read; all those aspects must comes ourselves, not our computers. Thus books are not dead, newspapers won't fade away, the internet isn't taking over as the ultimate form of communication. Just because it's more high tech doesn't mean it's any better than anything else.

Leaving me with the final conclusion that I'm not as out of touch as I thought I was.

Uh... carry on then

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

Just one reason Warren Ellis is smarter than me

In honor of Spider Jerusalem I have decided to spend some time flickering through the blogs on Blogspot to see what is out there and report on it. Not my finest idea (especially as it is just a rip off of an issue of Transmetropolitan) but it keeps me away from writing cover letters, which I detest ever so much.

I shall return with more info upon completion of this assignment. Prepared to be dazzled or, if nothing else, mildly amused verging on bored.

Uh... Carry on then

Monday, May 02, 2005

Passover outside of Neverland (not related in any way to Michael Jackson)

I've learned a few things from my grandmother during our brief stay here in New York for the holiday. 1)I don't know my way around a kitchen because she's been cooking longer than me. 2)All black men beat their spouses. 3)All arabs smell funny (not the best site, but I'm too lazy to look for a better one). 4)English should be the national language and those who don't speak it be damned. I don't speak to my grandmother often, and the aforementioned lessons reminded me why. There isn't too much else I learned from my grandmother save this one last bit, which floored me.

She was trying to go over my family tree and perhaps it was just due to the dementia (not an insult, simply the technical term for her current mental faculties) she inadvertently led me to believe that I have cousins who married each other (she was unclear as to whether they were blood relations or not). Maybe it's legal, maybe it isn't. Either way something about that isn't kosher. Sure I laugh when I watch George Michael pine after his cousin on Arrested Development, but now the jokes strike a little closer to home. Ewwww.

When discussing these cousins my grandmother went on to say that they are such nice people and it's a shame their kids grew up to be such free thinkers. This is one of the biggest yet politest insults my grandmother could come up with: free thinkers. Because there is nothing worse than a free thinker. Sure these kids live on a commune and are probably living some sort of grungy hippy lifestyle, one of which I probably would not be so comfortable living myself, but out of all the ways to rebel this is one of the most peaceful. This commune, she confirmed, is not one belonging to any cult or crazy religious faction, just a bunch of "free thinkers" living together on the land. I was almost disappointed when she said how great of a guy I am, not like those "free thinkers." Sure I may be a vegetarian ("What do you mean you don't eat meat? That's just not healthy." This coming from the same woman who complained there wasn't any shmaltz in the chopped liver) but that can be forgiven.

Scratch that, I am disappointed. I don't go out of my way to show how different I may be, I am what I am. I always kinda hoped, however, that I'd stick out just a little. I am a bit odd, my name amongst my friends usually turns into an adjective ("that's such an Amichai thing to do" used when I make a fool of myself usually by bumping into something or tripping over myself, both physically and verbally). My clothes most often don't match, though that has less to do with an intentional aesthetic and more to do with the fact that I am color blind. I never stick out of a crowd but I never quite fit in either. This disappointment quickly washes away as I realize not being a "free thinker" may be the least of my worries because someday I am going to die (say it isn't so, I can't stand it).

It's true, and though the mere thought of death sends me into a panic attack (one panic attack about my own mortality once forced me to take an early lunch at work, I nearly hyperventilated - and I'm only 24) I shall continue. I know I'm going to die because my grandmother is going to die. I don't think she's going to die anytime soon, but the more I sat and talked with her the more I realized she really is of a different generation. I always knew this conceptually, but I can count the amount of times I've actually sat down and talked to her on one hand making this concept easier to ignore. She dropped out of college to help work for the war effort for christ sake. The most I can really say is I dropped out of a cultural criticism course in college because I spent a semester getting stoned thus lacking the mental capacity needed to comprehend the readings assigned. She is of an older generation solidifying me as part of a younger generation I have never really identified myself with. But once you are part of a generation you know there will come a time when that generation will end. Soon all those alive during world war two will be gone. Hence, someday I too am going to die.

I realize all this during Passover, the holiday when all Jews are supposed to think of ourselves as if we personally left the bondage in Egypt. This one particular idea strikes me as being particularly bogus, especially after the horrid but inevitable conclusion that my life has an expiration date. The Jews who left Egypt (if they ever really existed in the first place) are now the oil under the Sinai desert. The only real bondage I'll ever have to deal with is the repayment of my student loans (which is not the same sort of pressure as building the pyramid, but still horrid in a different sort of way). If anything I'd prefer to think of myself as the generation of Jews who enter Israel after 40 long years in the desert. But that is really neither here nor there.

As I neither exodused from Egypt or received the land of Israel crossing through the waters of the Jordan river split in twain (when it comes to crossing bodies of water God is a one trick pony) Passover seems a bit silly. I have to admit, however, it is my favorite holiday. It gives me hope that one day I'll be visiting my potential grandchildren, sitting in their parents living room, boring the crap out of them as my grandmother did to me, forcing them to realize they are just as mortal as I am.

Those unsuspecting suckers.