Thursday, June 15, 2006

I can't come up with good title

It's very sunny outside. It's sunny outside and I'm having a panic attack.

This morning was uneventful.

I ordered "the skeleton key" on HBO on demand. It wasn't very good.

It's sunny outside and I have to go to work in about a half hour.

I walked to the library. I need reading material for the ride down to Philadelphia this weekend. I walked because it's just that nice outside. It's really very nice.

I'm wearing new jeans that I think might be girl jeans due to the way the bottom of the legs are all frayed. They are only frayed in the front around the cuffs, not the back. It bothers me that pants now come pre-frayed, but that's not why I'm having a panic attack. It's just a little thing.

But it's sunny outside and as the pants fit pretty well, I'm not going to really worry as to whether they are girl jeans or not (I'm pretty sure not as they are maked 30 x 30 and not in some girl size). Soon I'm going to have to change my pants because I have to go to work and jeans are not allowed at Starbucks.

On the way home from the library, under the bright, bright sun, I had to sit down on the curb just to keep from hyperventilating.

I'm not an emotional guy, unless you count awkward as an emotion, then I'd be incredibly emotional. Really though I'm more dead pan. Not that I don't have emotions, I just don't really show them, doubly so when I'm uncomfortable and awkward (i.e the majority of my life).

I haven't been sleeping well all week. Lots of weird dreams. Most of them involve me running away or hurting people I love then crying about it, but that sounds lame and I'm not going to get into it.

I threw my back out on Sunday helping to clean out the garage (that's not a dream, it happened, though I wish it was only a dream). Apparently six encyclopidia judaicas are heavy and you shouldn't try to lift them all at once, especially not with your back. I learned that the hard way.

On Monday none of the other interns showed up at work and I was swamped. And my back hurt. But that really has nothing to do with the panic attack.

I opened on Tuesday, it's a pain, but not really a big deal.

Wenesday was fine.

Today it's sunny outside. It's been cloudy or rainy all week long and now it's sunny out. It's kinda cheesy really, but that has only a little to do with the panic attack.

Today, not so long ago, J_ called and asked if she could meet me outside. I brushed my teeth, changed out of my pajama's, turned off The Skeleton Key (I missed the last five minutes) put on some deoderant and walked out onto the front stoop.

J_, in my book is always adorable, and today was no exception.

Anyway, I've known for a little while that there is some guy out there with whom J_ is infatuated. She's mentioned said guy in the past but never who he was. Today I found out.

Today, under the bright sun, on my front stoop I found out it was me.

Her lips quivered and she did her best (and over all succeeded) to choke back emotion, as I sat her down.

"The thing is," I said, "I like you too. A lot. A lot a lot." I said in almost a complete deadpan. "But...." And I paused because I had no idea what to say next. Should I ask her out, should I leave it be? I'm eight years older than her. She just graduated high school last week.

"It's OK, you can say it, I'm a trooper." She said (and here is were she almost didn't succeed in choking back her emotion, but she is as she says, a trooper). And that was when my heart broke. I never before in my entire life wanted to grab onto someone and never let go like I did at that moment.

"You don't even know what I'm going to say." I said. She smiled, very encouraging. "But..." I continued still deadpan (damn I'm a jackass), "it doesn't freak you out I'm that much older than you, or that anything we might have has an experation date when you go off to college in the end of the summer?" Because those were the big concerns floating around in my head, two of the biggest reasons (the first more than the second) that I hadn't said or done anything before (also I'm a coward).

Apparently these were only my issues.

So I asked her out. And she said yes. And then I kissed her. And then she had to go because she was having lunch with freinds, and I had to go to the bank and the library, and buy a gift for my freind, all before I start work (in 12 minutes - I'm going to be late). So I'm calling her on Monday to arrange said date.

First I think I was a bit too forward with the kiss, and that's the first issue. The second, I'm eight years older than her and I feel like a skeeze. If I wasn't me I'd be making fun of me behind my back. It just seems wrong. So on my way back from the library I had to sit down because I was having a panic attack. Literally, I was hyperventilating and freaking out.

I finally got home, and called my freind Charlie, who helped talk me down. Charlie is possibly the coolest ever. "Well the fact that you feel so weird about it all is proof you aren't a skeeze." She said.

"Yeah, but what about when I stop feeling weird about it?"

And she laughed and didn't have an answer, which was cool, because I didn't call to get an answer and she knew t hat. Charlie is just cool that way, and I felt better after I hung up.

Then I wrote this post.

And now, still freaking out (but no longer in a panic attack), I have to change and run to work, and I wonder (as J_ and I work together) how much of this do my fellow co-workers know?

And I freak out all over again.


rawbean said...

WHOAH....breathe little buddy. That is such a nice story and couldn't happen to a nicer guy. Don't worry about the age thing. I have a feeling you look younger than you are so, you probably only look....say 4 years apart? What's four years. NOTHING that's what.

The only thing I would say is that because she is so young she is likely to be easily hurt so BE CAREFUL with her delicate heart. But for christ's sake don't hold back the lovin'

And as for the panic attacks...well I've had anxiety attacks, totally understand and I've had dreams where I sabatoge relationships with the people I love. Don't worry about it.

piu piu said...

my first proper boyfriend was 7 yrs older than me (i was 17). we lasted 2 yrs. then i ended it cos i was moving on, and he was stuck in the same old place and not bothered about it.

i dont think you're a sleeze so long as it bothers you. just make sure u don't hide her age cos then that'll become the issue.

it all sounds very romantic!

on a tangent, some random guy has been emailing me about organising film screenings for me in Boston at some place which sounds like an STD.... sound familiar? anyway- random dude said he'd pay my flight whch is all very kind. i'm thinking he sounds like a serial killer what do u think?

Lady K said...

I LOVED the Skeleton Key, in fact, I OWN it. Dreams aren't anything more than your subcon...breathe, and watch what you eat or drink before you sleep. Lay off the coffee, and the tofu. Seriously. Stop obsessing about relationship issues and shit. LIVE, Amachai. Live, Love, Laugh. :-)

Amichai said...

Rawbean - You think I look younger than I am? Am I really that transparent or have you hired someone to follow me around and take pictures? If the latter then I should probably start wearing nicer clothes.

Piu - An STD? The Brattle? Cause if it's the Brattle then it's probably legit (it's the oldest independent movie theater in Massachusetts). If it's, the hepitits theater then I might suggest staying away. Though you definitely should check out this guys credentials. If want to e-mail me with some info I can run it by some of my Boston freinds in the arts and see what they know.

Lady K - That's how I live.

Nonny said...

How in the hell did I miss this post? I check your site daily. I know your time stamps aren't accurate, but it must have been up a couple days right?

Please, please get over the whole age thing. No one thinks your a skeeze. I don't think you have skeeze in you, and trust me, your either born a skeeze or your not. This is the best news I've heard in several weeks. You deserve happiness, quit waiting for the sky to fall and embrace what's in front of you.

And the kiss wasn't too forward. I'd have been disappointed if I was her and you hadn't kissed me.

Amichai said...

Nonny - My time stamps are generally accurate, and this one was posted right after it was written just as the time stamp implies. So there, pbphthhhttt (sound of a rasberry).

Nature vs. Nuture is an intersting arguement; it's just, when I think about it, she was in kindergarten when I hit puberty, and that strikes me as creepy. But I am doing my best to get over it as I do like her a lot (which makes me feel even more creepy).

Ann Spam said...

Well, it may seem wrong but it sounds like it feels right!

piu piu said...


o get over it! you need a grlfriend!


Princess Pessimism said...

I think that that is a very sweet story, and I agree, the fact that you are freaking about it doesnt make you a skeeze. And if you really get together with this girl long term, and lose the freaky feeling, I think it would jsut mean that you have gotten used to it, and since age really doesnt matter, you dont give a shit anymore.

A friend of mine was dating a girl who was 18 when he was 26. At first we used to groan about she was in grade 1 when we were in grade 9, but after that, we accepted it, and she turned out to be not so bad. They dated for over 2 years.....then she turned out to be a crazy psycho....not that i'm saying that will happen to you...but you know. We're at a different maturity level than they are...just be careful, and remember what your emotions were at that age.

Fridaysweb said...

Ami, when I was 17, I had a much older love interest for about 5 minutes. He was 26, a junior in the closer university (decided to go back to school later in life) and an absolute sweetheart to me. The only reason I broke it off with him was because we were from separate worlds. Not generations or ages, just worlds...he was from money and I was not. I was a small-town girl and he was from a large city. Well, and then I met my now-husband...err...started dating him, that is. Age is just a typo on a birth certificate. Age is like one's leg size: everyone's legs are the same length; they go from their butt to the ground. Age is the same; it's a number on a scale and we all fit somewhere in the middle, just different middles, sometimes. Enjoy J_!

As for your coworkers, they all know. You and J_ have had goo-goo eyes for one another for quite some time, now, no? Anyone from age 12 to 112 recognizes goo-goo eyes and knows what they mean :) Don't fret about them. Just no smooching at work ;)

Amichai said...

Piu - Is that seriously what it's called? I've never heard of it, and it does sound like an STD. I'll see what I can find out for you.

And I totally need a girlfreind.

Princess - How my emotions were at that age? Honestly I don't feel as if I've changed since my bar-mitzvah (now thirteen years past). I met some of her freinds today briefly and they all made me feel very, very, very old. I don't know how long we'll last but if either of us turns out to be psycho, it'll probably be me.

Friday - Aside from the age thing, J_ and I are from very different backgrounds. I grew up in the suburbs in a very jewish family/community (my pops is a rabbi) and am fifth generation American. J_ grew up in Queen; is first gen. American; her family speaks a Chinese dialect - one which I have absolutely no idea how to spell (phonetically: Joujenese) - in the house; and I think they are buddhists, but I'm not sure.

And no smooching at work goes with out saying.

Princess Pessimism said...

..I know you dont feel any different, becuase I dont feel any different than I was looking back on 18, and I dont remember being an over emotional teenage girl...but Im sure I was.

rawbean said...

your size 30 pants was the first clue...