Monday, November 14, 2005

It's late and I'm cranky

Retail. I quit retail to get a real job that I'd like. Bah, apparently the jobs that I like don't like me. It's incredibly demoralizing to be honest. Everyday I have to keep a chipper attitude, thinking positive, and every day I go to sleep disapointed. I don't want to be stuck doing something I hate for the rest of my life and I don't want to work my way up into middle managment at some corporation that sells overpriced crap to idiots, and I fear if I go back to retail that's exactly what's going to happen to me.

The hardest part is keeping a positive facade. I know, I know, I never seem positive or cheery on this blog, but that's because it's my blog. In real life when ever anyone asks I have to pretend it's going well, keep up appearences. After a while it really hits home - gets me in the gut that I'm broke, in debt, without health insurance and about to go back to doing one of the things I hate most in the world. I know I shouldn't complain because there are tons of people out there worse off than I am, who don't have the same support system I have in place family , freinds, et cetera. Realizing I'm better off than many doesn't really take the sting away, rather increases it as to how much crap there is out there. There has been a panic attack building which I have been supressing as best I can that I think is just going to burst soon, and am scared it's going to be an all out nervous breakdown since I've been holding it in for so long.

I don't know. All I know is that I'm sick of where I am and what I am (and am not) doing. It's not the rejection that gets me, it's the fact that I'm not even getting any consideration, I get no calls for interviews, and no one takes my call when I try to be assertive. And it isn't like I'm applying to jobs I'm not qualified for. Everything and everyone I've sent my resume to has been for something I am more than qualified to do (much of it has been stuff monkeys are qualified to do, at least monkeys with a college degree).

I'm not looking for pity, I'm not looking for compasion, I'm not looking for anything. I just needed to vent and delay the panic attack I felt building up inside. My next post will probably ignore this one completely as that's what I've been doing, ignoring the crap until it piles up so high it can't be ignored. This just raises the wall a little higher to keep it from tumbling down, at least until next time.

And because this has been such a whiny and annoying post (I know I'd find it whiny and annoying if it wasn't about me) I will leave you with something fun (if offended by bad language do not click on link).

4 comments:

Nonny said...

Honey, I know you don't want pity but I do feel bad. I know working with the public is an absolute nightmare (8 years in foodservice taught me that the hard way) but don't give up. Christ your still so young and I for one think your an awesome writer, you know that. You gotta do what you gotta do to keep the dream alive. Taking a job for the money is not a cop-out it is, at times, a necessity and would probably provide you with ample inspiration for your writing. Keep your chin up baby.

Lady K said...

What nonny said ~ hang in there, kiddo, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Don't give up!

rawbean said...

You have to go through this period to make your biography interesting when it airs on A&E. Anyone who's anyone had a struggle at one point or another in their lives. When they do make it, they appreciate it because of what they've been through and they work their asses off climbing to to the top (passing several half-asses on the way up who never had to struggle).

I also think its a good idea to yell, scream, cry - whatever you need to do to release the emotions - works for me.

piu piu said...

hi amichai.

u know i understand EXACTLY. I don't know what to say, apart from maybe take the shittest job in the sector u want to be in, and the try move up slowly. its hard and degrading....but having spoken to a lot of poeple in the arts, its how i realised they got where they are.....

if all else fails. travel. get a job abroad for a year or soemthing. teach english. broaden your horizons and learn a language...get out of the ratrace and get some energy saved upfor when u return...